today is my uncle's birthday (he died this past July)….. I was walking downstairs to get my lunch around 2:45pm when the music coming thru the headphones connected to my cell phone was cut off by a text from none other than my mother.

M --> 'hi hope all is well. Not to interrupt ur life n I believe u do know it's uncle's 53rd b'day. Please show grandmama/auntie that u do remember. Fyi grandmama is not suffering from alzheimer or dimensia she has been diagnosed w/ "severe" depression. Would like to tell u more ~ I love u n miss u mommy xoxo'

It came thru in 2 parts since it was so long, the first ending with 'fyi grandmama is not'…..

I started off this morning waking up on the wrong side of bed to fall into a fit of rage as a result of a series of small but highly irritating events but had calmed down once I got to get some fresh air & was actually feelin pretty good at that point….figures she'd be the one to send a wave of anger (& literal heat) through my body. I was 'this' close to going all out in a response that would either start the biggest fight I've ever had with her or shut her up for good, but I listened to my 'inner buddha' & I chose to ignore it for the time being so I could think of alternatives or at least make sure I was careful in saying exactly what I wanted to say.  the previous post was what i decided to do as I'm starting to realize more & more that responding is a true waste of my time. I think at first I thought (rather naively) that I would eventually get thru to her & at least get her to acknowledge that she was the one at fault for everything that happened between us. Get her to see that she's NOT always the victim & that she has flaws & makes mistakes just like everyone else. Get her to confess that she really does love me despite the way her words & actions scream the opposite. Eh. Gol guess not!

Tell u what tho… I like this new 'inner buddha' thing I've got going on lately….. It's saved me a lot of time & energy I'd have otherwise spent being angry and/or hyper.

my best friend made a couple of good points after i talked to her.... she pointed out how it would have only served to upset myself alone had i responded & not made a dent in my mother's 'calous & phony barrier'.....she also said the following in response to the line i wrote about getting my mother to confess that she loves me even tho i'm convinced she doesn't.  the following is the reason i love my L so friggin much:

"The thing is that she does love you. The fact that she can't do the right thing just shows her flaws. So she basically wants her cake and to eat it too. She wants you unconditionally, but without facing what she did. The first part shows that she loves you, the second part shows that despite her age, she's not being an adult."

amen to that.  not a day goes by that i don't thank God for blessing me with people like L & Greg to have in my life; in different ways, they almost completely make up for the lack of a relationship i have with my mother.