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mamma mia

here i go again.... lmao i hate that song but it's so damn catchy!! i heard it in the movie theatre last night before the movie started. i went to see Prince Caspian with Bahia.

i'm in love. I love Bahia. and this time I had the distinct feeling....the one that makes my heart swell & my stomach feel as if it's floating in my body....the one that urges me to turn & touch his face as i kiss him impulsively or give his hand a squeeze or makes me wish he were sitting next to me right now so i could do just that.   ::sigh:: could i really be ready? i'm so scared this time.... falling in love with buppi was so easy. i had no reason to falter or hesitate. my spirit rears still but less so with bahia... he is so sweet & good....maybe it's because it's the first time he's been in love. that scares me most of all.

i've made the decision to cut beast out of my life. i always had that little nag at the back of my head with him & it's time i stop ignoring it. conversely i kno i shouldn't ignore him either but at this point i just don't feel like dealing with the situation. i'd rather let it blow over.   he texted me friday & i never answered. using an excuse like 'my phone was off because i ran my bill up' (which is half true...i did run the bill up but it never got cut off) crossed my mind... i don't want to make excuses tho. i hate that & it's part of the old me. he always assumes everything is an excuse anyway tho so i suppose it doesn't really matter. all i really kno for sure is that i definitely 'shut the lights off' with him..... the last time we were together, i didnt' feel anything....and hard as i tried..i couldn't get the feelings to come back. there was one instance where i missed him since but it was purely physical.

i wonder sometimes if i'm addicted to sex....

no. if i were, friday night would never have gone down the way it did.

bahia brings back the good innocent part of me. i can love him just to love him & he loves me too. he has never even gotten close to pressuring me for anything & i love that. such a nice breath of fresh air compared to some of the dogs i've come across....

'get treated like a dumb animal long enough....'

anyway it's 5/20 now.... i started the stuff above yesterday.... i saw bahia last night. i'm so goddam fickle. what's wrong with me????? one minute i'm head over heels & the next...nothing. or close to it anyway. one second i can't possibly get enough & can't bring myself to leave....the next minute i'm anxious to hightail it & looking for a way out.... wtf!!?!?!?   that's why i run for the hills when they start to get serious & want something more...because i feel like i'm inevitably going to hurt them or wind up f*cking things up somehow....even the people i'm into the most eventually become old hat & then i struggle with the moral confliction of staying true to myself & hurting someone for no good reason other than i got bored. that's so messed up. it's not like i don't realize that. i just can't help it. what am i supposed to do? i can't & won't force feelings....that just makes everything even worse & it's not fair to either party involved....

would you rather get hurt because someone didn't have feelings for you anymore or continue to pretend only for you to find out that they were faking it the whole time......

i don't know about y'all but i'd choose honesty. yeah it hurts & it sux in the beginning but u get over it & move on. at least it affords you the opportunity to avoid feeling & looking like a fool.... i could be wrong tho.

i'm by no means 'over' bahia yet but i do worry about hurting him. and the worst part is, sometimes when he looks at me i could swear he already knows.... i think they all do. some of them are better at recognizing it than others but they all kno deep down that i am next to impossible to 'tame'.... it just sux cuz that one look he gives me is so heartbreaking... i feel like i should tell him to steer clear & forget about me... find a girl that will be everything he's looking for....he deserves that.   i'm gonna wait a while & see what happens... as i had described earlier, he does give me those feelings.... the ones i haven't felt since i first started dating 'boomba'.....