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Jr is a senior

RIP Diego

boy was i right about paying for staying up so late. i don't kno how i managed to get up this morning & much less how i maintained any kind of coherent thought pattern. lmao i missed the 'late' bus by literally 5 seconds. had i not hit that light before crossing the highway, i would have made it. oh well. i was only about 10 min late. not bad for the 'late-late' bus! hahaha of course it would figure that twitch was also late. ay.... i see where this is heading. i'm going to have to be the 'responsible' one & make sure i'm here as early as possible. i can do that....i have been doing that for a minute....been consistent. ::pats herself on the back:: :oD

strange....very strange indeed...the experiences i had last night while sitting alone in my room. for no particular reason i decided to finish 'the lovely bones' & that started it. the ending was completely unexpected & i loved it; but of course reading kept me up later than i should have been awake....and i always sit & contemplate a story after i've finished it -- especially if it's a good one! i have a funny habit of closing the book...turning it a few times in my hands...rubbing the cover & just looking at it....sometimes i'll start reading it all over again...other times i just soak it in & sometimes i'll go back over certain parts if i need to clarify or piece something together (mostly if i read the book over an extended period of time where there were gaps between readings).

now that i finished overexplaining that....hahaha the ending made me think of uncle & i had myself a nice little cry. its been a while since i've done that. usually that puts me right to sleep but this was not the case last night. i got the urge to go online. i was thinking a million things & wanted to put it down in here. of course i got sidetracked & never wrote half of what i intended to. instead i got caught up on facebook & finally clearing out my gmail inbox.

i learned of diego's death via a comment juice left on boomba's page.... ba$tard - were u even going to tell me???? wtf!!??! whatever.

i found the gardening site i was looking for a couple of weeks ago - the one where i got the banana tree (which i'm hoping is not dead because i realized this morning that i've completely forgotten about it & unless someone else has been watering the poor thing, it's been totally neglected --> ::bows head in shame & remorse::)

i cleaned out my gmail inbox almost completely (finally!)

i saw some of the pics that cupid posted from his vacation & took a detour to his page. i commented on more pics than i'd set out to but somehow i dont' think that's going to work against me in any way. i can't even begin to explain how much i miss him. and as i came across one pic where he's standing there with that classic cupid smile in a bright colored shirt i felt compelled to write to him (see 'T sometimes i need that clarity that comes with a temporary insomniac's rants & raves. sometimes i need to just stay up & get all the thoughts out of my head & down on paper (or the screen if u will). if i don't, chances are the sleep i get won't be of any significant quality anyway so what's the point?? besides, when i'm that wakeful, there's no way i can force myself to sleep.

i just realized tomorrow is uncle's bday....

anyway....i haven't heard from beast since tuesday night.... i'm thinking it's probably mostly because his kids came in yesterday but if i don't hear from him by this afternoon, i'm gonna try giving him a call.... i haven't exactly been hounding him but it's not like him not to respond at all.... i sent a response to his text tuesday night....called him & left a message yesterday & just texted him this morning.....but nothing.

lmao, he just texted me. ay.

::sigh::

ok i officially can't wait for lunch... i'm starving. i really need to quit the bullsh*t & go food shopping this weekend so i have fruit & whatnot to snack on during the day....that way lunch won't feel like the be-all/end-all....

i want so badly just to let go sometimes & tell beast everything....let him kno how much i really care about him & how i miss him & think about him......but i've done that too hastily in the past & it made things difficult when my fickle appetite shifted. (i.e. na & fulton) i don't kno....there is also the way he reacts sometimes when i do.....he can be so difficult to guage....hard to please....at least i think....

i need a clove. twitch went to get lunch so i should be able to go soon.... i'll probably wait till 1:40 but i don't think i'll make it to 2 today.... all i can think about is getting a salad from downstairs & going to my little spot for a few min to chill & think.

ok so now i kno that the weird voice thing wasn't him last night.... well at least not for reasons i thought it might be for.... i should probably check in on greg... i'm pretty sure it was na tho....i've been sending him signals & i kno he's been holding back from responding... i can't blame him. i'm such an a$$hole sometimes. but u kno what? there's only so much time in the day!!

ooooo thought about LPU hardcore this morning.... chingy always reminded me of him & at some point while i was online last night i saw a chingy song pop up on a page somewhere....it flashed in my head this morning after i finally got to download mariah's new song & was trying to think of anything else i might want to get. 'one call away' --> haven't heard that in soooo long... i remember when it was on my migente page. gol sooooo long ago... anyway, i really want to see him. i dont' want to tell him that tho cuz he's one of those 'actions speak louder....' blah blah blah.... so when i'm ready, i'll hit him up. i kno he'll oblige cuz he's cool like that.. just hope he's not busy when i'm free - seems to be the case more often than not, back & forth, we can never find a time when we're both free.... maybe it's just not meant to be. i still want him BAD tho. haha i lived the dream...maybe i should let it go at that.... man, who am i kidding??? we all kno i can't get enough of the stuff i want/love!! hahaha i'm such a mess. tho i suppose there can't be too much harm in indulging from time to time if the opportunity arises....why not???

cbb doesn't give up. lmao oh well.

OH!!! of all people, i had a dream about Juanito last night!! it was super short because it happened as i drifted off into sleep without realizing it.....i woke with a start, longing/reaching for someone who's image had been in my mind but in my half-sleep groginess, couldn't place who it was just yet. as i lifted my head i remembered & whispered his name as i sank back into my bed feeling 'warm' with the thought of his face & the sound/feel of his name in my mouth.

i also had another weird dream....i was at work but it wasn't this office... i think it was in FL or PR.... during the day we had some sort of emergency evacuation drill....very 'run of the mill' & routine. later on we all got an email letting us kno that there would be another drill in the afternoon but that it would be different than the one we'd just had. as i finished reading, a gigantic alarm sounded & scared the crap out of me & the women near my desk. all of a sudden the room (and entire building) began filling with thick white smoke & my heart set off to pounding. the manager/drill leader came out of her office & rushed us out of the building with a stern urgency that warned this was not something to take lightly as the smoke would/could harm us if we didn't get outside quick enough. hurrying out the door, checking eachother's frantic faces, we all made it just in time.

time for a little work before i go to lunch....

almost forgot to mention that i ran into S2 again yesterday. i missed the 5:40 by seconds (so frustrating) but the next bus was not far behind so i settled up against the wall to wait. as i listened to the music coming thru my headphones i felt a touch & a simultaneous static shock on my left elbow. i turned & it was S2. he was glistening, having ran for the bus like i had just moments before & looked positivelly frantic! lmao i took my headphones out & said 'u were running?' his eyes kept darting around which i found kind of strange. he was distracted & focused on getting home asap....he remained in this state until we got a little way away from the tunnel. it was rather strange... i don't kno if he was just hyper about getting home or if i made him nervous or both or what...hahaha either way i kno he's feelin me which is trouble as usual. it's all good tho - i'm not worried about me cuz i don't think of him that way. we talked the whole way home & at one point he had me literally cracking up...it was so much fun! i hope i run into him again some time soon. i like having someone to bullsh*t with on the ride to/from work sometimes :o) still cant believe how much he reminds me of kiki's husband..... it's actually kinda creepy....hahaha