one of the banana chips in my trail mix just gave me a flashback of the lunchroom in kindergarten.  lmao!  that was interesting. 

wanna kno something else interesting?  another weird morning for good ol' foxx.... heard my alarm & completely ignored it until auntie came in & woke me up at 6:25....needless to say, i missed my usual bus & had to catch the later one.  as i get on the bus who is the second person i see?  buppi.  wth??  last night i decided to go online & there was a response from him.....the first one was 'u obviously didn't read the message all the way thru' or something like that & i was like 'nah, i did...u were joking then?'  and last night --> 'of course.  it was a chain message i got from someone else & forwarded to you....why else after all that nasty stuff would it say 'i just saved a whole bunch of money on my car insurance with geico'  (or something like that).  whatever.  point is, i wound up being nosey & looking at his pictures (which i'll admit, i do from time to time).  it never fails tho...it's as if i can 'think' certain people (it doesnt only happen with him) into coming around where ever i'm at...crazy.  anyway i looked up for a seat after i became impatient with the woman in front of me for taking too long to sit down (she also usually rides my 'regular' bus which is a little strange....) & who do i make eye contact with - buppi.  he winked at me.  i was caught off guard by this for a few reasons.  first, it was confident & that is the first truly confident gesture i've seen from him since before we broke up.  second....and i hate to admit this but....it was actually kind of sexy.  third, that's the first time i've felt any inkling of attraction toward him in a very very long time....then the confidence was gone as he spoke & said 'what's up miss 'i lost my sense of humor''  in that timid, sheepish & slightly sad, (yet still garnished with a glimmer of hope) manner that i've come accostomed to with him. 

for a split second i had decided to sit next to him & then i 'shook' my head (inside) & chose the empty seat in front of him instead.  after i picked that one i thought perhaps it was still too close for comfort but it was too late & i was really making a big deal out of it for nothing.  the biggest man in the US decided to sit next to me & i was scrunched for the rest of the ride.  on top of that, my seat was broken & it kept reclining back a little until i caught myself every time the bus lurched forward.  i think the driver was the same a$$hole that waved me off last night as i literally ran to catch the 5:40 & made it outside just as he was shutting the door.  jerk.  oh well. 

i can't lie... i toyed with his energy....and it worked.  may bring up to beast....we'll see.  he doesn't kno much about buppi...not that that means anything...afterall, he talks about E all the time....then again, she's still in his life.  whatever. 

speaking of beast.....when i finally got up this morning i had a text from him.

beast ---> 'i'm sooooo anxious! ;o)'    

me too papi, me too.  but my reply was ' :o) xo '   gol 

i still feel the need to resist....not completely & not all the time but with certain things & at certain times.... mostly texts i suppose since that's in writing & i kno other eyes might stumble upon them.  plus i need to maintain my cool around him.  if i don't, we're both going to fly off the handle & it's just not going to end well.  one of us has to stay grounded & since i'm closer to the earth (literally, figuratively & spiritually), it might as well be me.  gol  ;o)  not to mention the fact that i refuse to be like all the other chicks he's gotten himself so used to.  they all tumble head over heels to land at his feet & worship him.  sorry buddy, we're equals & u kno it.   

hey KD!!(keepdreaming) --> i agree with u that i've definitely fallen as well.....and i'm scared to death about it!! hahaha  and so i do act tuff (not sure i can help it...it's kind of my nature when it comes to alot of things).  but there are other reasons too.....so many things that happened prior to my starting a blog here.....maybe i'll post some old entries from the site i used to use.... makes for some interesting reading ;o)  aside from that, despite my age, i'm still relatively new to the dating game (only been 'on the market' for a year) & so i'm moreso stumbling my way thru the dark than feelng my way out & swimming thru the waters that supposedly hold so many 'fish'..... i'm getting there tho!  ;o)  definitely having fun along the way 2, which is certainly the most important part!  gol  the other issue i have is a conflicting knowledge that i tend to hurt people thru my selfishness, fickleness, and my insatiable appetite for variety and the fact that the one thing i HATE to do is hurt people.  it makes me extremely cautious with certain people (i.e. beast).....  i guess the way i c it is, if i don't let them get so close, they won't be so hurt when i disappear....i think that probably sounds way more conceited than it was intended to. lmao  either way, i don't like letting anyone too close as it is, let alone taking into consideration the other party's feelings & implications of letting me in close to them as well.  in the words of pee wee herman 'i'm a loner, [KD], a rebel'  ROFLMAO!!!   i hope u've seen that movie (pee wee's big adventure) otherwise that's not going to make much sense....hahhaa  i'm such a dork.  gol  btw, i am so happy to have 'met' u on here!  :o)  

my mother called me yesterday.  first time i've heard from her in a long time..... left me a voicemail about my bday.  she wants to kno if i'm free friday or saturday.  -->  nope.  sorry.  i'm not sure i'm even going to respond.....i might let greg or auntie give her the news.  auntie also whined a bit when i told her i wouldn't be home friday night.  ::sigh::  i kno i push things away alot....namely my family & men that are romantically interested in me.....but i think its probably the only way i can maintain my sanity (well as far as fam goes....the relationship part has to do with my being ready to handle that again after what i went thru with buppi, na & fulton). 

my family (mother's side) is a bit nuts, if not fully dysfunctional & i spent alot of time getting my mind to understand what's 'normal' & what's not.  i spent alot of time making sure i wouldn't grow up to inherit any of their bad traits.  spent alot of time retraining my thought process & separating feeling from rationale.  spent alot of time trying to understand them & why they do what they do.  spent alot of time realizing i can't change a single one of them nor can i change the fact that they still are & always will be my family.  spent alot of time learning to recognize both outside & self imposed guilt trips &  i'm not about to let it all go to waste.  it's really not as harsh as it sounds.....i promise.  however, i would like to spend my bday weekend doing what i want to do...besides, it's not such a big deal.....shoot, even i forgot about it twice already!!  hahahaha  but they think it's a big deal & so i'm gonna get flack for it.  oh well.  my mother has absolutely no room to complain.  for my aunt & grandmother i'll probably appease & try to make some time. 

ok, i really have to get some work done now.   haha  i'll be back.

ps
i had a dream the other night (sunday? -- i think i was at beast's house) about bugs being 'born' (hatched? gross gol).... in the dream i was analyzing it as it was happening & deduced that it represented spring & the start of new beginnings.  i think they were all different kinds of beatles.  i'll have to look that up... i dream alot about animals huh....haha i love them :o)