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for some time....the better part of a year...i have managed to avoid the habit i have of spreading myself far too thin energetically.
somehow in the past few weeks i've managed to completely throw myself back to where i was when i was freshly single....
i blame contacting beast & re-visiting migente. that effing site is nothing but trouble.
strangely i think i have finally disconnected all romantic feelings for beast permanantly.
his status updated as i signed on to facebook & since i have been meaning to call him for about a week now after he asked me to, i decided to go for it with the knowledge that he'd be awake.
he hit me with some unexpected news -- she came back.....they spent the last 3 days together. sooooo interesting to me... he has changed so much.
i know that part of it had to be my doing.... every time i thought of calling or going back out to see him i would talk myself out of it again....i was convinced that the last few times i went were for closure...closure & strength. he helps to center me.
it's just so strange. i feel like the last time i sam (for some reason my keyboard just skipped some keys & instead of typing out "saw him" it typed "sam"....interesting)
anyway, i feel like i did before we reconnected. i have memories but they are from so long ago.....or at least they feel that way. it's different now. i don't have that intensity i once had....not even for training purposes, which is definitely a huge flag.
i know he let go of me as well. i can feel it. the entire dynamic of our relationship.....it's just completely different.
he has her & i'm truly happy for him. i won't front & say it doesn't make me a bit jealous, cuz it does, but that's only because i need to be recognized as the alpha. i'm getting over that. self-knowledge is beginning to become sufficient n& validation is no longer a necessity. (another reason i don't feel the need to cling to beast)
i have much to write about cross. i want to have the same passion as i did for the post i wrote last night but i'm afraid it's been too long.... i hate it when i do that. i'm sure i can still recall it - i just have to sit & meditate on it like i did with the platano scene.
this post is simply recognizing the separation of my feelings for beast.
i am relieved to be free of the fiery lust i once harbored for him but that came a long time ago....the first time we physically separated before we recently came back into contact.
i am now also happy to know that i'm ok with the fact that we've disconnected spiritually as well. not completely, as i do believe we will always have some sort of bond....but i no longer have the need for him to validate me or to need me in turn. the last time we spent together was like the final meeting of master & student....when the student has made it to a level where the master is no longer needed.
"The final level is a return to the beginning. This is the last dragon. A cycle is complete & now there is a new emptiness to be filled; a new journey which you must make alone."
most amazing about that....i turned the movie on & it instantly made me think of Platano!! not beast!! wtf!?!? so intriguing..... even the movie is no longer tied to him....
he has been brought into a new light. he is my friend. that is all. i have done with him what he has done with so many others.
& now that i think of it, even tho i did fall into an old habit with migente, i handled it much differently after the initial reaction....even with the trainer from PSC.... they were all tests. i put myself thru them without even realizing it & now i have even more evidence that i do not want anyone but Cross.
i told Platano last night about Cross. his response was interesting as he confessed to still having feelings for his ex. i do believe he & i will be helpful to one another....we have a connection already that's pretty profound... i'm interested to kno where it'll go but i am going to be extremely careful so as not to mess up what i've got with Cross. i suppose it's only fair for me to still do what i want & have some fun....afterall, he's still with his girl.
i also squared things with fulton which was a huge weight lifted.
"When u got that glow!" ;) ;)
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Posted by foxx_flie on 2009-10-22 03:39:56 | Rating: | Views: 21
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