woke up at 1:37am in na's arms.... very strange.  before i opened my eyes i thought for sure i was going to see a time on the clock that was going to make me wince & immediately jump out of my warm snuggly position to get my a$$ out the door & to work.  thankfully i was wrong. 

last night the bus i caught home broke down on the way & so i wound up coming in half an hour later than i'd planned.  i got home & was starving so i had some 'puffins' & then got changed.  i got to na's around 8:30.  his new apt is really nice.  much bigger than the last place & he's got a big kitchen too.  i'm happy for him. 

it was definitely strange to see him again....not really awkward....just strange.  his brother & cousin were there.  we chilled in the living room for a while & then went to the bedroom so we could talk freely.  i kept my distance & he respected it.  i did most of the talking & he didn't seem to mind; just caught up on stuff that happened since we last saw eachother....he looked at me alot & i pretended not to notice but 'caught' him a couple of times & he laughed.  after a while he sat up & looked at me then said 'give me a kiss [foxx]...just for old time's sake....can i get a kiss?'  i gave him what he asked for & he said 'damn i missed u'  ---> i, on the other hand, felt nothing.

Brother J came thru & we all went out to the living room - 'wii' for them, but none for me...i'm good for a while.  the last time with beast was a bit too much.  while we sat on the couch this time he picked his arm up & gave me a questioning look....i moved in toward him as he put his arm around me & took my place on his chest like i used to.... his hand rested on my hip & made contact with the skin exposed between the top of my jeans & the bottom of my shirt....it felt exceptional.  i dont' kno how else to describe it... gol  i fell asleep as i listened to the sound of his voice through his chest while he had a conversation about Brother J's girl problems.

side note: that is something that always used to put me to sleep as a kid....listening to my mother or father's (or grandparents') voice through their chest as i laid my head on it...usually happened at parties when i was all tuckered out & sought the comfort of my parents' lap as they continued enjoying their conversations, talking & laughing with family & friends. 

na woke me with a gentle nudge & we went back to the bedroom.  it was only 9:30 or so.  i went to the bed & laid down as he switched from the overhead light (that was really bright) to a lava lamp that gave the room a womb-like ambiance.  he came over & sat down as i made room then settled down again laying on his chest.  i don't remember falling asleep but i think it was almost instant because i don't remember anything else until i woke again to leave. 

he must have gotten up while i slept because not only was he behind me, holding me close to him, instead of underneath me, but my sneakers were off & the wrapper from the rice krispy treat i'd brought for him was laying on the nightstand.  (i brought him the 'usual' goodies like i always used to as a peace offering...he was impressed that i remembered everything he likes)  i don't kno if he was asleep as well but when i sat up he sat up as well & said 'mmhhmmm' when i said 'i have to go....' 

i put my sneakers & jacket on & tried not to look so sleepy-faced before i turned to hug him.  when i saw his face i knew for sure he'd been sleeping too.  he wasn't expecting me to hug him but welcomed me against him as my arms circled his waist (he's really tall).  maybe it's been a long time but i don't remember him being that thin....he did mention that he changed his eating habits & no longer eats meat or dairy which would certainly make someone stay super lean....unfortunately that's another reason i'm no longer attracted to him (not feelin the skinny dudes - sorry) 

he walked me downstairs & we kissed again (this was shear habit for me & i kind of regret doing it but whatever) he said 'it was really good seeing u again....'  i agreed & he wished me a safe trip home.  we'll see what happens from here....

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MC ---> yum.  gol  i had shut my phone off when i got to na's to conserve my battery & while i had been there he texted me twice.  i texted him back knowing he wouldn't respond until today but wanted him 2 kno i was thinking of him anyway.... this morning i didn't get the usual good morning text from him so i texted him instead & we've been talking all morning.  i really hope i get to see him tonight... i want him so bad!!  he's the first guy i'm really feelin like (besides beast) since 'yummy'.... wow.... 

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Beast ---> after i got up & went downstairs to press my clothes for today i checked my phone for a text from MC but found one from beast instead....

'sumthin aint right!  what aren't u tellin me n y?  n dont waste ur time if ur fixn ur face 2 lie'

granted i figured he'd pick up on what i was feeling & what i wrote about in my last post but his text is part of what i'm talking about.  why would he even throw that line in about lying?  he obviously doesn't kno me as well as i thought he did..... either that or he assumes too much that i'll fall into the behavioral patterns of the rest of the 'stoopid' chicks he runs with.  i got a little heated but calmed down when i realized it just meant it's time to let him kno whats up.  now i'm not sure how to go about it tho..... i didn't text him back right away.  i spent the whole morning (until i started talking to MC) thinking about what i wanted to say to him in response & how i was going to go about explaining what i mean.  i just texted him a few min ago with the opening line that first came to mind as i thought about it in the shower....

'1st of all u kno i don't lie - especially 2 u.  2nd it's kind of a few things - not sure i wanna text all that much'

i'm thinking this will do one of two things....either he'll get impatient & pi$$ed & tell me just to text him whatever it is or it'll spark a call from him where he'll either genuinely want to kno what's up & want to talk or be impetuous & demand an explanation only to shoot down whatever i have to say & try to get me to fall in line with the rest of his b*tches (which of course is going to result in an argument and/or hang up or a deeper conversation that ends in a decision to make - chill back for a while & see what happens or go our separate ways for good). 

crazy how things can take such a drastic turn on a dime.

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i find it funny that when i impose my will & set boundaries almost without any consideration to what they want, they resist at first but eventually lay down & wait for 'orders.'  lmao  i should have been doing that consistently a long time ago.  i have alot of unrealized potential i guess....  i think my biggest issue is making sure not to abuse it (like my mother).  i don't think i'll ever fall into that tho - i'm so overly aware of it & i take such painstaking care not to do the things that she does that i actually put myself on the complete opposite side of the spectrum for a while (hence the unrealized...).  now i have to move my position on the scale again to get it as balanced as possible. 

the other thing i've been thinking about is why there is such a difference between people like me, na, beast & most others.... as i 'grow up' i am constantly learning more & more....why does it seem like other people never learn or take soooo much longer?  i feel like i have the mind/soul of a 100yr old lmao  maybe i'm an alien.  it just seems logical to me....all the things that are obvious to me & seem to elude almost everyone else.  and yet i kno there is still so much more for me to learn & experience..... 

i never really knew exactly what i wanted to do with my life but i think my calling lies in psychology/sociology/therapy....i would ideally like to be a psychologist for kids as i feel like i could make a real difference for them.  adults are too set in their ways & are often too far gone.  i really have to get back in school.  especially since i kno that my current job is not what i want to do for the rest of my life.  i plan on making as much money as i can here & utilizing as many benefits that come with it as i can but when it's all said & done, i kno i won't be here more than a couple of years.  i abhor the corporate world yet somehow keep putting myself back into it & that has to stop in order for me to truly be happy.  i'm happy now but only because i love working in the city.  the truth of the matter is, i'm growing tired of this position already... it is not challenging in the way i need it to be.  (i mentioned this a few posts back when beast & i had talked about it briefly)  i talked a little about it with na last night as well & i've had a nagging at the back of my head for a while which is starting to move to the front.  i have to stop wasting time.

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i gave L the address to my blog here a week or two ago.  i wonder if she ever looked at it.....  i value her opinion so much.  she always has the perfect words to comfort me when i'm stressing & almost always has a take on things that never occur to me, making me think & as a result, grow.  she has helped me far more than she knows & she's so modest about it.  haha  she doesn't like to admit how smart & wise she is....i hope she knows it tho.  she's so kind & thoughtful...honest & sincere....warm & generous... & i couldn't have asked for a better friend.  luv u L!!! 

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beast responded & suggested email.  speaking of L, i emailed her a copy to see what she thinks before i send it to him..... here it is for ur feedback as well: 

'i knew u'd pick up on the fact that something changed despite the fact that i kind of hoped u wouldn't. i wasn't 100% sure what it was at first so i brushed it off. after ur text this morning i thought about it alot & i think it's a few things....

the biggest & deeper issue for me is that i feel as though u've begun to treat me like some of the other chicks u run with (and don't roll ur eyes like 'here we go again' - hear me out). i'm not stupid, though u have a way of making me feel that way sometimes despite myself. ur mood can switch from one extreme to the other in .02 seconds flat (which i'm still not used to & sometimes catches me off guard) & that sometimes results in u taking things out on people that don't deserve it -- an example would be the discussion we had after monday night's class. even tho u were just venting, the way u come across can be so incredibly mean & arrogant at times which is certainly worse for people that don't kno u. (hence alot of people taking things personally when u don't intend for them to be any kind of 'attack' on anyone) at the same time, i feel like u lack regard for other people's feelings to the point where it almost is a personal issue for those that deserve more from u. even worse, the fact that u seem to lack patience with ur own children bothered me more than i thought it would. i also feel like u take me for granted a little & expect that i'll stick around even if i feel like ur not treating me right. sometimes it feels like no matter what i do, it's never good enough & while i already kno u have high expectations of me (as i do of u as well), sometimes i feel like ur harder on me than what is warranted.

i definitely don't want to sound like a whiny sensitive bitch but i think i've done a good job thus far of taking everything u dish out in stride & maintaining my composure. however, as we continue on, the bar just seems to keep raising higher & higher & i just feel like it has to find a limit somewhere.

more specifically, as for saturday night, there were a few more 'superficial' issues causing u to pick up on the vibe u were catching from me. first, there was definitely a different energy with the boys around & i think that played a pretty big part in it. second, being away from eachother for a while gave opportunity to step back & see the whole picture/reflect, as well as realign myself in my own energy. third, i met someone friday night that i'm feelin & my thoughts were also distracted by that. and lastly, i was stressed out & distracted about an 'incident' that happened with my mother friday night as well.'

i don't want it to start an argument as i'm just being honest but i'm worried he might take it personally.  either way it doesn't matter cuz if he can't understand where i'm coming from, that's just another reason for me to move on. 

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kind of odd --> twitch came over for a while to ask my advice on an issue he's dealing with.... i wonder if he is asking a bunch of people or if he just feels comfortable with me.  made me feel honored.  gol  he's mad cool & super nice :o)  

Tru said to me last week after class that it's easy for people to be open with me because i'm honest on another level....or something like that...not quite sure what he meant.  haha  i luv him.