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i fukking cant think straight. i haven't felt like this in a while but i've got some extreme preoccupation going on. too many things to consider...i've left too many open ended decisions in the air & now i am going to have to start taking some definitive action.
beast --> he has been on my mind very strongly for a while now....i've wrestled with the question of whether or not i want to text/call him & still haven't made up my mind. today, as i cleaned out my desk to move to my new spot in the office i chanced upon his visitor's tag from when he came to see me here back in march. i didn't even remember that i had saved it. he came on st patrick's day...a few days after my birthday. i can't help but wonder if he's doing it on purpose.... we share a profound mental/psychic connection & i wonder if he's been sending out for me... perhaps i've just been on his mind as well or maybe i'm doing it to myself.
bahia --> hit another spot where i lost all feeling for a minute....we went to dinner tues night & i just wasn't into it. this bothers me more than i can explain. i'm going to see him again tonight & we'll be spending most of the weekend together as well i'm sure. i'm afraid i'm going to hurt/'break' him.
BG --> i thought he understood what i meant when i told him i wanted to talk about what happened monday night & he said 'i kno' but after last night, i don't think he gets it. ::rolls eyes:: now he is an annoyance & i don't want to be overly mean for no reason
i have to chill back for a minute & get some alone time to clear my mind & refocus. there is much to think about.
this money situation is not helping & i'm starting to wonder if i regret the decision to indulge in training.....however that will help aleviate stress from feeling out of shape if i can just get some kind of consistency going with that & my eating habits. as of today i have put myself back on the points system yet again. i am also going to enforce weekly weigh in's. it's only a few pounds but it makes a huge difference in my disposition & preoccupation level. it won't take long if i just focus & stop succumbing to my own sabotage.
its the money. the money is what's bothering me more than anything... i was fine until i checked on my account this morning & realized i'm in deep shit. bally's went thru this morning & that was nearly half of my check..... my dumbass didn't think that one thru. plus with the dentist coming in last week, it set me back on the payment i made previously on the car...that's going to redeposit & somehow i miscalculated the bus fare payment schedule....still can't figure that one out... so now i have to buy tickets again before the next payday which doesn't make any sense whatsoever.....
the lavendar oil has helped me stay mentally calm but i think it's enhancing psychic activity more than anything else.... something like that
it's 12:30 which means i've only an hour before i get the eff out of here today & that's what's up. i'm going straight home & to the dentist.....then to the gym....then i am supposed to get up with batman real quick to get a game or something he wants to give me...i don't kno what to do with that either. lol he admitted that he's feelin me & that i remind him of his ex whom he's obviously still madly in love with...i just don't understand where his confidence comes from.
i'm not even in the mood to write anymore. too much swirling going on in my head right now... there are a few things i kno for sure
1) i need beast to twist me out in the worst way
2) i don't feel like having any human interaction for at least a few hours
3) i miss living in the apt & with juice
4) i don't want my ankle to be hurt anymore
5) i want to be back in the shape i was in 2 summers ago
6) i don't want to have to ever worry about money ever again |
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Posted by foxx_flie on 2008-07-03 12:42:09 | Rating: | Views: 44
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