talk about an eventful weekend!!  haha  it's taking me 2 days to go over everything that happened!! 

2 be honest tho, all i want to talk about right now is MC.... ::sigh::  hahaha  i kno it's ridiculous....but i really really really like him!!  i have been growing tired of beast's impatience with everyone including me lately.  he is amazing, highly aware & very intelligent but that doesn't give him the right to treat people the way he does sometimes.  last night was so weird.... i actually had a pretty good monday & was feeling pretty good all the way through to class....then something changed.  i kno it was a combination of things.  i wasn't feelin the pants i was wearing which was making me a little self conscious....and there were made people in class, most of which were slow & didn't kno what they were doing besides getting in my way.  i still worked out hard as hell tho at least.  after class there was more discussion about the change in friday's class & he started on his usual rant which normally doesn't bother me because i feel him on it....but yesterday i felt this feeling building up inside me.... i was getting more & more annoyed & finally snapped at him.  of course his reaction was to try to dismiss me & say 'i can't talk to u anymore...our conversation is over'  - that in turn of course just fueled my fire.  however i realized that i snapped at him for no reason so i did my best to gracefully salvage what i'd wrecked.  i think i did pretty well.  we got downstairs & he said 'what's up ur a$$!?!?'  i apologized for snapping & he of course had to make it last a little longer & make a big deal out of it going on about events that had taken place earlier that had him stressed out (like i was supposed to kno that!!)  after he ranted again about that stuff he calmed down & looked at me.... put his hand on my head & caressed my face then kissed me on the forehead & we said goodbye. ::sigh:: 

so now i have to admit that my feelings for him are starting to change a little.  it started from having so much time away from him while his kids were here....meeting MC was a huge catalyst.....and i've been kind of noticing it anyway since he's been so impatient.  maybe that's my purpose in his life... put him in check.  i value his companionship & i wouldn't want to lose it but if he keeps acting the way he has been lately, i have no problems cutting him off like the rest of them.  he needs to understand that i'm not like all these other chicks he runs with.  i'm just as valuable to him as he is to me & he needs to treat me as such.  i have no time for bullsh*t when it comes to being treated properly.  u start fukking up, there's the door!!  (that or u can watch my a$$ walk out of it while u pine for it)  lmao  i hope he is careful because he will miss me when i'm gone whether he thinks so or not.  i kno i sound completely full of myself but i already kno that i've got the edge in this which is usually the case anyway... it only takes me but so long before i've got the upper hand & the need/want ratio changes.  in fact, that is the problem for me as far as relationships go.... i get bored because i wind up being able to control all of them & thats no fun.  i need someone to challenge me & make me feel like the need/want ratio is as equal as possible for as long as possible.  funny i started out on the other side of the spectrum with beast....just like with boomba... interesting. 

on a sweeter note, when i picked him & the boys up to go to medieval times he handed me a bag & said 'this is for u...something i've been carrying around for a few days....'  i opened it & it was a gorgeous journal made of bamboo & banana leaves... he tied the bow around the box himself (with some help from the older lady that works at the gym i go to on fridays)  --> 2 sweet :o) 

what am i going to do with myself???

anyway - back to MC... we are in the process of making plans to see eachother asap.  i think we're on for dinner tomorrow night & i couldn't be more excited!  gol  i really don't kno what it is about him.... the way he looks at me...it's like i see in him what everyone else says they see in me..... that 'something' in my eyes.... call me crazy.  hahaha  i have my doubts because i kno myself all too well.....but u never kno right? 

i'll never forget one night when i chilled with L & SLJ & all them around the time i was talking to juan i think.... i was kinda bummed about something & L said 'i just want someone to love you the way you deserve to be loved'  i almost started crying.  at this point i feel like i might just be unloveable.... i push people away too quickly & too hard.   i don't trust anyone.  no matter what i do, i've always got my guard up & i'm always ready to defend myself....on top of that, it's as if i've desensitized myself....maybe it's not that i'm incapable of being loved but rather incapable of loving.  yeah, that's more like it.  can u blame me tho?  every time i've ever loved someone with all my heart, i've just wound up getting screwed HARD... well maybe not every time.... but close enough.  there's only so much a person can take before they condition themselves (willingly or unwillingly) to call it quits.

but u kno what?  enough about that crap!! hahaha i wanna daydream about MC.  mmmmmmm  haha  he's so yummy.  i just keep getting flashes of the way he looked at me when he touched my face when we were at lunch..... and how our first kiss felt that night in my car at the club.... and when our lips first met when we said hello on saturday in the parking lot...... omg i can't wait to see him!!!!  i just want to kiss him for hours upon hours....feel his hands all over me & let mine roam all over him.... he smells SO GOOD!!!!!  

'discipline' (one of the songs on janet's new album - if u have the means to hear it, i highly recommend it) has been in my head since i got on the bus this morning & got my good morning text from MC....

i just got a tingly shiver that ran across the top of my skin when i thought about him.... the anticipation is killing me but it's fun at the same time.  gol  i don't have any doubts that he will live up to all of my expectations.  i think i've come to the conclusion that i need an older guy to satisfy me both sexually & intellectually.  the young boys are fun, sexy & good for a kick here & there but when it comes to some really good loving & a relationship that's worth pursuing, i cant mess with the ones my age &/or younger...they're too immature... and certainly don't kno what they're doing in bed....they all do the same thing & they're all more focused on their own pleasure.... older guys take their time...they have stamina & they kno things.... they kno what a woman responds to...what she likes.... they know all the 'spots' & how to hit them.  they kno how to take care of her needs as well as their own.....

----> lost for a min in fantastic daydreams....