| View Blog
|
|
|
my mind is swirling.
-bahia
-eating
-kfm training
-capoeira
-florida
-work
-school
-car
-career
-karen moon
-beast
therapy and counseling seems to be the way to go for me. i would enjoy doing it as i could help people while i study them. gol what i would like to focus on is helping kids with issues...particularly dysfunction in the family. i have experience there....plus i think it's very important to help break the cycle. i could open my own practice down the line....how perfect would that be! it's going to be a long road i'm sure but i'm completely ready to begin. it's time.
i saw bahia again last night for a little while after work. in retrospect (and when my alarm went off this morning) it was a bad idea. I had been running on 2 hours of sleep from the previous night & last night i didn't get much more. i had plans to come in early this morning - so much for that.
yesterday i attempted to return to my strictest eating plan....i was not very successful. i did fine until i got home after bahia.....it was my own fault tho.... i waited far too long to eat & was starved by the time i ate 'dinner'. i went completely overboard....during the day i had had fruit & soup for lunch...a granola bar when i got to the gym to hold me over till i was done with work. i had planned on working out & totally bailed on that as well. i don't know what's up with me lately. i was thinking of logging & using points again...start weighing myself again...i feel positively disgusting. i know it's not that serious but i get so neurotic over the tiniest thing...rightfully so in my own mind..... i don't kno. anyway, i really don't want to think about it but it'll make me own up so here goes.....i had a plate of shells, 2 meatballs, a cup or two of raisin bran (i ate it in handfuls str8 out of the box so i can't really be sure), 4 1/2 slices of white bread (2 slathered with butter), a special K bar, and 2 fiber one granola bars (one choc, on pb). it was ridiculous. as if something had taken over my body & refused to listen to my brain...i just kept going for more....and i could hear myself saying 'stop it!! what are u doing?? ur gonna hate urself for this tomorrow....u kno ur not supposed to eat all that!! what about KFP??? u were doing so well! why do you want to mess it up now??' but my stomach & mouth took the reins & were completely defiant. of course i felt guilty when i went to bed & again when i woke up. i can still feel all the food in my stomach which is the worst part; it just ampliies the physical ramifications that my mind projects already on my body.
so of course now all i want to do is get to the gym to feel better & reset/try again. i'm going to sahara's with Lis tonight for dinner which is cool cuz all that stuff is healthy...but i wan't going to the gym because of it & now i'm thinking of asking her if we can push it back so i can at least get a quick run in. had i worked out last night, i could have avoided this whole thing.....i'm really mad at myself & i refuse to keep talking myself out of it. i've been far too lenient. the thing thats bugging me is that i've said this before recently....i don't know what it's gonna take for me to snap back into the mentality i had when i was doing the abs diet.....  i've known the answer all along....i need to start cooking again so i have the proper foods at my disposal. i can't keep eating the way i have been. it's either not enough or too much & it just keeps going back & forth. i need to get back into the habit of eating consistently - plan everything out......at least until it becomes automatic again. the hardest part has been this commute...another reason i'm excited about leaving this place & going back to school.
i texted her to see if 8:30 is ok. i'm sure she'll be cool with it. so when i get home i have to get changed right away....i'm gonna run to the park so i don't have to drive anywhere & won't waste any time.... i am gonna try to do it twice cuz greg said the round trip is a mile & a half. man i'm excited now hahahaha new scenery! yay!! i was thinking about that on the bus this morning too... i also wanna freshen up my mp3 player cuz it's been a while & that always helps me get out of a rut as well. :) i'll have to do it over the weekend.
yummy just came into my mind....every time that happens, he calls....sometimes the same day, sometimes the next day....but i always hear from him somehow when he comes into my mind.... especially when it's random like that..... ::sigh::
i was talking to vin last night about bahia....he made a good point about relationships.... 'y not?' lmao he's right.
Goddess is so good. i asked her for guidance & i got a waterfall of it. in every area i needed reassurance and/or advice. i feel like i'm back on track with my life. :o)
the only thing hampering my optimism is this weight thing & the nagging feeling i have about the last time i was with beast.... i can't quite remember whether or not i was taking the antibiotics from the dentist at that time... i kno i finished up the bc the first couple of days i was in hawaii....so i'm sure there's really nothing to worry about...maybe i'm feeling the way i'm feeling because my cycle is coming....that would make alot of sense. and if that is the case, i cannot WAIT till it gets here!! lmao should be around june 11 or so since i stopped the bc just before mother's day. but who knows...my body is gonna be all over the place i'm sure since it's not regulated anymore.... we'll see what happens.
philip is supportive of my idea to go back to school. yay!! gol he's like my personal advisor...he's always given me the best advise & one of the only regrets i have in my life is not listening to him when i was 16 & he told me i should go away to college. but it's all good...never too late ;o) and i'm in a perfect position to do what i want right now as soon as i get rid of my car payment. i have to sit down & figure out exactly how long that will take me... i've got a significant amount of money saved up that i am thinking about putting toward the car in full...or at least close to it. that will knock off a nice chunk. after that i can just devote most of my paycheck to the car loan until it's gone. i think i only have one more month to pay off my insurance for the year so that will make things easier as well. |
|
Posted by foxx_flie on 2008-05-29 12:12:50 | Rating: | Views: 58
|
| |
|
|
