| foxx_flie's Blog Comments |
| Posted in
Something in the Air on 2008-04-21 17:28:37 |
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cool poem nubian!! i like it!!
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| Posted in
rabbit out of a hat on 2008-04-17 15:33:35 |
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my dad physically assaulted my mother on several occassions when i was younger so i definitely kno all about that stuff.... altho my mother claimed she stayed with my father 'for us'...i don't believe her. that makes zero sense. she stayed because she still loved him & because she was terrified of having to do things by herself. but i think that's material for another post! ;o)
the chicks he runs with obviously have that same mentality. they hold him on some sort of pedastal & lower themselves even further as far as self esteem goes...then there's the 'drug' effect factor that he has as well...compounded, how could they resist?
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| Posted in
for my next trick... on 2008-04-17 15:27:52 |
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ha! i agree with that! altho he once said to me 'i'm trying to take u anywhere i go' or something to that effect. he's an intoxicating individual & for someone who is not careful or not aware enough to realize what's happening, he can truly be like a drug. tell u one thing, do another...make u feel better than u ever have one minute & throw u down into the dirt the next.
that's why i wrote what i did in my response to that tho - about him making it obvious from jump that it's all about him & if u don't like it, too bad. but if that's the case, why does he 'care' so much about keeping the people he 'loves' in his life??
for a while i was worried he could be a 'psychic vampire' (if u will) as he has a tendency to draw on other's energy to strengthen his own... this became especially apparent to me when he started to express how he feels like my energy adds to his etc etc... i kno i'm starting to sound a little crazy but we had some really deep & crazy conversations about all of it.
at risk of sounding conceited, i do believe my energy or 'force' is much stronger than his & he used me to draw on that. i allowed it & 'tucked' myself into him....i don't kno if i posted about the convo he & i had about that....the 'bubble' and the imagery of me 'standing slightly behind' him & 'peeking' over his shoulder.... i may have to write more about that....
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| Posted in
Coming Into the Light on 2008-04-17 13:54:29 |
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there u go again spreading light! :o) ur so awesome!!! i wish i had a boss like u too! :o)
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| Posted in
A day with Angel on 2008-04-17 13:49:59 |
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thats really sad :o( i'll add angel & her fam in my prayers
ur a really good friend nubian :o)
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| Posted in
A day with Angel ~ part II on 2008-04-17 13:18:25 |
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it's so important to have that at home... and i love coming home to a squeaky clean house too! ;o)
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| Posted in
My dad and pride again on 2008-04-16 10:14:36 |
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pure evil if u ask me. disgusting. and means by which they almost conquered the world (and i still believe they are trying)
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| Posted in
Maybe... on 2008-04-16 03:37:12 |
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'cause lately its been more negative than positive' --> sounds like a sign....
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| Posted in
One down on 2008-04-16 03:11:52 |
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hey, for all we kno, we could be a fairytale too....
just playing devil's advocate, free ;o)....oh wait, the pope said there is no devil....hmmmm.... should we call it 'pope's advocate'?
oh man i'm going to hell for sure. wait...no hell either... damnit! can't catch a break today...
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| Posted in
My dad and pride again on 2008-04-16 03:08:59 |
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ur dad doesn't hang out on street corners & push his literature on passersby, does he?? lol j/p ;o)
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| Posted in
My dad and pride again on 2008-04-16 03:08:09 |
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i'd like to kno why all the crazy God freaks hang out in the subway. does jesus chill there 2? lmao
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Evolution. People my father thinks are morons on 2008-04-16 03:03:10 |
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crealutionist....sounds like a word i'd make up ;o) lol
amen to 'what fun would it be if we had no opposition?' - we certainly wouldn't get to read such interesting & fiery posts like free's ;o)
::sings:: 'R-E-S-P-E-C-T! find out what it means to me' hahaha word up.
yadokta..if ur God, can i get the hook up? (pretty please? ::bats eyelashes::) lol j/p
technically we're all a bit of 'God' according to a couple of different faiths, *including* christianity if u twist it a lil ('made in His likeness' blah blah blah)
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| Posted in
When death comes knocking on 2008-04-16 02:58:01 |
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love ya 2 free! :o)
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Do I Have A Foot Fetish? on 2008-04-15 12:37:55 |
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::whaah whaah!:: lmao j/p i feel u...when i was a kid i had issues with that word (i guess either because it had the word 'sex' in it or it implied sexual connotation as u stated - point won :oP) i also thought the phrase 'ooh la la' was dirty hahahahaha!!
and it did too do something for the argument! at one time there were people (men) that actually found that attractive. :oP 'i don't give a fook what u say'
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| Posted in
Axe Me If I Am Obsessed--Axe Body Product Ads on 2008-04-15 12:30:31 |
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oh shoot! haha just read nubian's comment! forgot about that one... i liked that one too. short, sweet & to the point haha the others have a tendency to be a bit drawn out until they've aired a few weeks and are inevitably shortened by either the axe company or the network they air on (i'm not sure who makes that decision)
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| Posted in
Axe Me If I Am Obsessed--Axe Body Product Ads on 2008-04-15 12:29:00 |
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definitely very creative & brilliant in the sense that they would most certainly catch the attention of the demographic they were going for. afterall, what male between the ages of 13 & 30 *doesn't* want women falling at his feet? hahaha
i never saw the weird ones for the 'double dragon' scent or the newer one where the guy cracks out of his 'dirty' self (sounds very interesting) but could see the rest of them play out in my head as you wrote about them.
i must admit tho, those axe sprays do smell pretty damn good. hahaha
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| Posted in
Cybermetaphisiwhatsit Nightmare on 2008-04-15 12:14:45 |
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loved it. ur descriptive writing is impressive....almost felt like reading a book or a script for a movie. :)
from a scientific perspective i always wonder exactly how long we actually spend on our dreams...especially the ones that are vivid & detailed like this one. when i wake up from a dream, it often feels both like an eternity & an instant at the same time. when i write them out, they always take far longer, i'm sure, than the actual dream literally took in my mind while i was asleep...i find that fascinating.
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| Posted in
Small list of world reknown scientists who believe on 2008-04-15 11:55:32 |
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science in it's own nature & right is skeptical, therefore scientists should also be. constantly try to prove something cannot be true in order to further support the truth within it. i love that.
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| Posted in
When death comes knocking on 2008-04-15 11:52:37 |
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lmao i saw that... has to be foriegn...same word 'mis-usage' (i think i made that up) every time. either that or she just really likes the word 'were' hahaha
i am in agreement with u on the death thing as well. if u made it that far in life, congrats but u gotta kno that ur time is coming!
funny tho, talking about how they seemingly become so much more into praying etc reminds me of a kid that put off studying for finals & is trying to cram the night before knowing full well it's not gonna help all that much. fox hole anyone?
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| Posted in
Evolution. People my father thinks are morons on 2008-04-15 11:46:54 |
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'I admit my inferiority and you hold your superiority to levels above them. Who is the prideful one again?' --> i like that line.
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| Posted in
Moving oN on 2008-04-14 18:51:52 |
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Much love & blessings to u & ur daughters. I'm not sure what happened between u & ur ex but it sounds pretty bad. either way, you sound like u have moved on from it just fine & ur looking where u should be - toward the future. that is so important, not only for you, but for your daughters too! God bless! :o)
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| Posted in
i am not grampa! on 2008-04-14 13:15:30 |
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hahaha that remains to be seen! ;o)
a kiss is definitely worth at least a 1000 words!! especially MC's!!! gol ;o)
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| Posted in
episode 2 on 2008-04-14 13:14:22 |
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hell yeah!!! hahaha he effed up the game HARD!!
never confused ;o)
yeah i think he does :o) he is genuine about everything too & i love that... ::sigh:: i've got more gushing to do about him but i'll save it for a post ;o) i just really hope this isn't just another 'new high'... and the fact that i feel that way makes me wonder if he really might be something if not 'the one' for a relationship...
haha awww thanx KD! ;o) ::hugs::
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discipline on 2008-04-14 13:03:15 |
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omg KD!!! that's EXACTLY what it's like!!! i just literally breathed a sigh of relief to kno that SOMEONE finally knows what the hell i'm talking about!! hahaha wow... good metaphor ;o)
and thanx for giving me hope too! there are definitely times where i wonder if i'll ever be able to love anyone ever again...i kno that i probably will but i just worry that i won't ever 'fully' love again like i did the first time (with boomba)
i definitely think ur right about knowing when it's the right one tho :o) (and at risk of having to eat my words later, i really hope it is MC!!) gol i have a different kind of feeling with him...then again i often say that so i have to really just wait it out a while longer & see...
after all, beast lasted from dec till just 2 short weeks ago hahaha longest run thus far... except for na...but i think na was purely rebound which kinda sux cuz it's effing everything up for me now since there's more than a romantic interest involved(business)but he's still caught up... ::sigh:: webs, KD....webs. hahaha
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| Posted in
my uncanny ability... on 2008-04-14 12:54:04 |
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good point KD...that is most certainly a huge possibility. he's as sensitive to my energy as i am to his....in retrospect, i think he may have picked up on the fact that i was about to back off/bounce before i even knew!
definitely not taking any crap!! hahaah word.
::hugs::
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| Posted in
everybody wanna be.... on 2008-04-14 12:51:59 |
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Thanx KD! I feel u on that... definitely all about truth & honesty. nothing else makes sense!
i kno he is good at dishing out truth...handling it is another story as he is rather arrogant & i think he truly believes he can do (next-to) no wrong. ha! sounds like my mother in a bit of a different light. hmmmmm.....
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| Posted in
everybody wanna be.... on 2008-04-14 12:49:21 |
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thanx Nubian! :o)
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| Posted in
guess what! on 2008-04-14 12:42:10 |
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KD, i'd take u in a heartbeat!! :o)
i'm definitely bubbling over about it. haha it's gonna be here so soon too!! i just realized last night that it's only a couple of weeks away! WOO HOO!! ;o)
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| Posted in
i just noticed... on 2008-04-14 12:40:26 |
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ps
i am supposed to see beast in class tonight & im soooooooooooooo nervous...i'm sure i'll have a very interesting post for tomorrow! haha
also, KD - thank u thank u thank u!! i can use all the good energy i can get!! haha luv 2 u 2! :o) ::hugs::
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| Posted in
i just noticed... on 2008-04-14 12:39:26 |
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MC is older than me but actually the same age as beast. Bahia is a 'young blood' tho - got a story for u with that one 2! gol....as for being tired with younger guys...i was speaking in generalities i think...past experience with younger vs older & how i'm starting to lean toward older all around. before, the younger guys were fun for the more naughty stuff & *only* that, whereas older guys were fun for naughty stuff with a more sensual spin as well as more potential for a future....
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| Posted in
trailmix on 2008-04-14 12:32:37 |
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hahaha!!! tru tru... but sometimes the 'tiger' i want isn't available & then i have to either suck it up or settle... ::sigh:: gol j/p j/p ;o)
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| Posted in
A response on 2008-04-11 13:13:01 |
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amen. lmao
i feel u...my dad is hardcore catholic & alot of the things we discuss end up with my getting emails and/or notes from him trying to get me to 'remember my faith' or to pray etc etc. he's not quite as 'holy roller' as ur dad but it's similar i suppose.
'religion is the opium of the masses'
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| Posted in
LIVING OUR DREAMS on 2008-04-11 11:40:52 |
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amen KD! i have been giving this alot of thought over the past year and a half or so... i'm trying to figure it all out & make things happen... it's not always so easy but i think if i just keep moving forward & keep myself in check (don't let myself stray from the path i'm forging) then i can eventually accomplish whatever i put my mind & energy to. i think that's tru for any/everyone. i've seen it happen & i feel like living proof. ;o)
so where u been chica??? i miss ur comments!! soooooo much has happened since u last checked in on me!! and there's still so much more to post! gol
i hope all is well with u! have a great weekend!
::hugs::
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| Posted in
Imaginary? on 2008-04-09 13:08:30 |
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my eyes see in slightly different shades too! i used to mess with stuff like that alot when i was younger for some reason...watching my pupils dilate, noticing the difference in the 'crypt' size of my irises etc etc... i guess i'm fascinated by eyes. hahaha
u sound like my best friend when u talk about the book u read. haha she's better than oprah at recommending books to read ;o) i might have to check that one out...
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| Posted in
Happy! on 2008-04-09 13:04:40 |
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haha u sound so excited & happy! that's awesome! i'm glad u had such a great weekend! i did too! maybe it was something in the planets....hahaha
boston sounded nice & like lots of fun...i love to read too.. NERDS UNITE! hahaha j/p ;o)
omg AWESOME news about that chick ashley!! hahaha i'm happy for u :o)
congrats on graduating!! that's so exciting!! enjoy!! :o)
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| Posted in
I am so sick of your crap! on 2008-04-09 12:48:30 |
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it's good u at least have one person u kno u can count on. :)
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| Posted in
$ 3.00 Friendz on 2008-04-07 17:47:25 |
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the last line indicates that 3 dollar friends don't exist, no?..... i'm confuzed
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| Posted in
trailmix on 2008-04-07 10:00:22 |
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to say the least! lmao!!
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| Posted in
Miscommunication from the island on 2008-04-04 13:44:10 |
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btw, that imagery about people in bubbles - unhappy ones trying to pop one another's bubble - hilarious.
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| Posted in
Miscommunication from the island on 2008-04-04 13:39:21 |
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people must learn to handle the truth when they're faced with it. i spent a great deal of time (and energy) caring about other people's feelings & trying to make sure everyone was happy & no one was hurt or misunderstood etc. playing peacemaker sux a$$. and on top of that, where does it get u? usually caught in the middle of something you had nothing to do with in the first place. how's that for gratitude. ha!
anyway, i agree that u should speak ur mind & not give a fukk what anyone else thinks about it. it's ur opinion & ur entitled to it. if it hurts someone's feelings, let them go find someone else that will lie to them & tell them what they *want* to hear as opposed to what they *need* to hear so they can continue to live in their little box with their blinders on & keep believing in fairy tales & nonsense to their heart's content.
personally i like the way that u came at me in the comment i left on ur AA mtg post. i can appreciate ur honesty, however brutal it may have been. and i especially like how u opened with the line about cracking ur knuckles. i think the misconception that happens far more often than it should is that disagreement between two people means you should automatically not like eachother. what the hell kind of sense does that make!!!?!??!? if we all agreed with eachother there'd never be any change...no progression...no innovation...no fun!!
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| Posted in
Let the Rain Fall Down on 2008-04-04 13:32:15 |
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now u got that song (which i hate) stuck in my head.
on a serious note, sorry to hear ur so lonely. i kno the feeling well.
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| Posted in
Do I Have A Foot Fetish? on 2008-04-04 13:07:25 |
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sexy/pretty/beautiful...they are all tied together. just because something is 'sexy' doesn't mean it's automatically tied to sex. sexy is (at least for me) often just another way to say beautiful or pretty....
like that comment about the pizza tho hahahaha u may have deterred me from eating it for a while... don't want my heart to stop! lmao
i think just about everyone despises the thought of foot binding; i was just making a point about how the female foot/shoe has long been a sex symbol.
hmmm... well perhaps u are actually picking up on memory from the women? i kno i often have these 'flashes' from people i simply pass by on the street (not always about sex, but sometimes that too)...more interestingly i have found that things i get flashes of when i first meet someone are actually true after i get to know them/talk to them. maybe i sound like a kook but i kno it's real & the guy ('beast') that i talk the most about in my posts (and the one i'm addicted to - and the only one btw that i'm - having sex with) seems to have the same sort of sensitivity, or whatever u wanna call it. there's so much more to it... i just wonder if maybe u can 'see'
i could be wrong tho....maybe u just have an overactive imagination hahaha especially since u don't seem to be the only who does that...
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| Posted in
Slumming it with Danny on 2008-04-04 11:37:44 |
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i enjoyed that. i find it amazing that he managed to come up with those 3 key words & find ur blog! kinda scary actually... i wonder how many people i kno have found me & didn't tell me... if any.
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| Posted in
strange am on 2008-04-04 10:01:46 |
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chances of beast ever seeing me with bahia are slim to none '& slim left town' (as my dad would say) hahahah unless of course he were to come across a picture somewhere, but even that is doubtful. with beast it doesn't really matter tho cuz we both kno that there are other people involved in both of our lives. i kno that he still messes with his ex etc....he is more vocal about it because i'm just...well, not. haha but he asks me from time to time & i always tell him whats on my mind (sometimes against my mind's own pleading not to lmao i just can't lie to the boy, or even just 'omit certain facts' - it's ridiculous). at first i thought it was kinda weird to be so open, but to be honest, i like it so much better than any other relationship i've ever been in!! i like being completely real with him & knowing that i get the same in return. there truly is no bullsh*t between us.
as for bahia....not to sound full of myself but....he already wants more. lmao who knows what will happen with him.... i'm going to keep everything open & honest as always...if he's down with it, all the better. if not, he knows where the door is... ;o)
omg, i am definitely a web-weaver lmao!!! in fact, i seem to have a knack for it. hahahaha but i'm usually pretty good at getting myself out of sticky situations (i've been in my fair share haha) & sometimes i even feel like it's a sort of game...a puzzle if u will hahaha
when i was younger (and still now) i was really good at getting knots out of necklaces/shoe laces etc & i loved all kinds of puzzle games (mosly word games but also tetris types where u have to fit things together or match them up --> Dr Mario what!!!! hahaha)....perhaps that skill is also present in a more figurative form that permeates the way i live my life... my brother is really good at puzzles & stuff too haha runs in the fam i guess ;o)
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| Posted in
poison ring on 2008-04-04 09:34:03 |
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we'll see KD we'll see.... hahaha i try to stay off the 'grid' as much as possible but perhaps i can send them to u in an email?
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| Posted in
where does dracula get his pencils? on 2008-04-04 09:33:08 |
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thats very tru. everything has it's own hidden lesson/blessing...sometimes u have to look harder to find it ;o)
i kno it definitely also made us both very strong individuals which is always a good thing.
there are only 2 things i regret in my life - 1) not playing sports in school & 2) not going away to college after i graduated high school. other than that, i'm actually really satisfied with the way my life turned out so far...afterall, if it werent for everything that happened, i wouldn't be where i'm at right now, which is not such a bad place ;o)
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| Posted in
An AA Meeting--please come in on 2008-04-03 12:49:46 |
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hey hey now!! u've got me all wrong.
i am in no way what u described (i.e. prostitute!?!?!?) i am most certainly drunk with infatuation & lust...i will give u that. but definitely NOT on male destruction or abuse!! and i think it was unfair of you to indirectly say i am not a good woman.
i am truly honest & up front with any & every guy i get involved with - if he sticks around & gets his heart broken, that's not my fault. i just don't see a point in wasting time....is that so wrong? i am a bit inexperienced in the relationship department but that's what experiments are for, no?
but who knows....maybe ur right. maybe i was conditioned by some alien army to be a black widow type assasin on the male gender. lmao
either way, as far as the learning comment - i've learned more lessons in my relatively short life than most people i kno who are twice my age - 'don't assume - u just make an ass out of u & me.' u never stopped to question what circumstances may have shaped me into what i've become; and while i do not seek sympathy, i think i at least deserve a little understanding.
HEEL!!
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| Posted in
Do I Have A Foot Fetish? on 2008-04-03 12:30:42 |
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sounds like u've got a shoe fetish more than a foot fetish.... the style of shoe sparks a fantasy for u. i find women's shoes very sexy too & often find myself watching my own move as i walk past any kind of reflective surface....altho i kinda check out the whole package more often as well hahaha i used to just watch my shoes tho....especially if they were a particularly sexy pair.
i think another part of this might have to do with the fact that the porn industry pushes that on y'all as well... what's one of the first things u see when u walk into a porn shop? a wall of shelves holding 6 inch stilettos & clear platform shoes with all kinds of intricate and/or brightly colored straps/studs/spikes/sparkles/sequins/rhinestones etc....
look at back in the days of foot binding....there was nothing sexier than a tiny pair of shoes - no matter how much pain that poor woman had to endure to fit into them.
maybe it's a male trait....just something ur attracted to for some reason....something about the shape a woman's foot takes when it's in a nice shoe.....not to mention the effect it has on the rest of her lower body (i.e. flexed calves, thighs, butt etc) it accentuates the female figure to be on tip-toes as opposed to flat feet.
the young mother thing i think might have a deeper explanation but i won't go into it for fear of sounding crazy myself. just kno that i have similar experiences. not sure why u mentioned the father figure so much tho... i found that strange but i suppose it's significant to u for some reason...
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| Posted in
Another Page, Another Blog, Whatever! on 2008-04-02 16:54:12 |
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happy early bday!! :o) have fun at ur party!
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| Posted in
My Fake Weak Mind & Updates on 2008-04-02 16:37:37 |
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'happy being depressed' - that's an interesting concept.
i think yadokta is right tho...everyone is a little depressed; some more than others. u have to be sometimes...given the world we live in, how could u not?? besides, sadness is a basic human emotion & in the balance of things, we have to experience it.
don't worry about the whole love thing...i don't think anyone has that figured out...or ever will. if ur ready for a relationship, someone will come along eventually & be there to go through it with u.
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| Posted in
Lately on 2008-04-02 16:20:26 |
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keep ur head up girl. it's going to be ok. guys can be very pushy & you have to stand ur ground. if they decide that they can't handle it, it's their loss. let them move on to someone who is easy & will give them what they want.
as for work, it doesn't sound like ur in trouble too deep; i wouldn't worry too much about that.
and even tho it sux to appreciate when ur not being appreciated in return, trust that eventually it'll bring good things back ur way. whatever u put out into this world is what u'll get back...sometimes it just takes a little while.
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| Posted in
It Never Was The Time For Us on 2008-04-02 16:02:05 |
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i feel like i just read something i would have written minus the apology at the beginning....
i talked to a friend of mine the other day about this same issue because i can't figure out why every guy i meet wants to make me 'wifey' after a certain amount of time. it's starting to get annoying especially since i don't want that at this point in my life (which is the one other place we differ...but maybe not so much, i'm not sure yet haha)
anyway he made an interesting point about how you put a different type of energy out when you know what you want...ur aura changes & u attract all kinds of people.
i feel u on the non-clingy thing & i think that's also a part of it (and the butt thing never seems to fail as i have also been 'blessed' with that 'asset' (pun intended, yes i'm corny) hahaha)
i think that because girls like u & i seem to be so far & few between, we are like fresh air to them & they just cant get enough. once they realize that we really aren't like other girls (because u kno almost everyone likes to say 'i'm not like other boys/girls/people etc') they kno that we are something worth holding onto & will literally bend over backwards to do that. problem is, they don't always understand how to do that & wind up doing the things that just come automatically that they are 'supposed' to do (or so they've been told)
ur nice boy will come along one day i'm sure. just keep doing what ur doing & stay the way u are. :o)
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| Posted in
What A Waste on 2008-04-02 15:49:37 |
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long made a good point about wasted time... i guess u really don't ever waste time since it serves, at the least, to teach you a lesson in some shape or form....even if it's what NOT to do. haha
interesting...
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| Posted in
Becoming the Arms of God on 2008-04-02 15:45:59 |
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PS
if i ever figure out a way to capture & sell my life force essence, i'll cut u in on my profit!! ;o)
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| Posted in
Becoming the Arms of God on 2008-04-02 15:44:29 |
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oh man...sitting on a swing & sharing a margarita sounds sooooo nice right now!! :o) i can't wait till the weather gets nice by me again! i love summer simply because i can go outside barefoot in my PJs at midnight if i so choose! hahaha
i agree on girls having to stick together too....for a long time i was convinced that all girls were evil creatures hell bent on backstabbing & manipulating (gee i wonder why?? lmao) everyone & anyone in their path. but then i decided that i was being entirely unfair & i started giving girls another chance. good thing i did, cuz i never would have become so close with L or SLJ if i hadn't! besides, it's so good for ur spirit to treat all living things well. the whole 'golden rule' thing really is tru & brings good things back to u. (i.e. 'holding that empty glass with tears...needing your words of advice')
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| Posted in
where does dracula get his pencils? on 2008-04-02 10:35:09 |
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a good friend of mine was able to explain a bit to me from the male/son perspective about the way my brother handles this & it helped me understand it alot better....i'll go into it another time if anyone's interested in hearing it.
aside from that, i'm convinced that my brother is a saint. he is the single most generous, loving, sensitive & caring person i kno. he would literally give the shirt off his back to someone he cares about. he has always been there for me no matter what & he has never let me down. i love him more than i could ever express. he & i have a profound understanding of eachother & we have always had an awesome friendship that transcended the brother/sister relationship. i don't kno what i'd do without him.
while my mother definitely doesnt have control over me anymore, i think what continues to bug me is knowing that she has control over others & that they are either unwilling or unable to see it. someone once said to me 'u can't save the world.' but why not??? maybe not the WHOLE world but i can at least do my part to fix up the corner that i'm in!! maybe i have a leftover desire to be a superhero from when i was little. lmao
::hugs:: KD :o)
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| Posted in
prequel to 'parents' on 2008-04-02 10:27:24 |
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KD- u are like the equivalent of L on 'thoughts' to me! haha thats why i like u so much! :o)
thank u for all ur advice/kind words/prayers/thoughts/encouragement/support!! it really does help to have people like u around that make me remember i'm not crazy. hahaha
much luv 2 u!! xoxo
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| Posted in
prequel to 'parents' on 2008-04-02 10:25:01 |
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liar - yeah L is definiely a genius. she's my best friend. and she's incredibly modest. lmao she'll never admit that she's wise beyond her years...she chalks it up to all sorts of other stuff. just another reason i love her so much :o)
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| Posted in
Forceful words on 2008-04-02 10:16:35 |
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it's great that u have a friend that's there for u no matter what. :o)
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| Posted in
parents on 2008-04-02 10:03:48 |
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KD....ah KD.... ur so right... i like the phrase u used 'wash it away'...i think maybe i'm finally trying to do that now... all this time i've just been either bottling it up or ignoring it altogether. boy was that a mistake! haha
i think also what i was doing in a way was taking my time to evaluate how i really felt about the whole thing. i listened to the opinions of the people who know about the situation & took those in to decide whether i was being irrational. i kno i'm entitled to whatever i want to feel/think etc but i feel like i should be fair no matter what. i most certainly didn't want to forgive her based solely on the premise that 'she's ur mother' crap. EFF that.
anyway, i kind of have an urge to confront her on the whole thing just to call her out on her bullsh*t and see what she has to say for herself. i think i assume too often that i kno what she'll say & how she'll react (altho rightfully so since i've dealt with her since i was born & kno her pretty damn well from a mother-child perspective) .....
u kno the other thing that kills me is all i ever wanted since i was little was to be close to her & have that kind of mother-daughter relationship where u can talk about stuff & go shopping & have facials & coffee & all that crap.... she was my world when i was little & she could do no wrong, EVER. but she never seemed to have much time for me unless it was hers to give...i'd try to talk to her about a boy or whatever was going on in my life at the time & she'd say 'i'm listening' as she nodded & moved about doing whatever it was she was busy with in the house...i wasn't stupid. i knew she wasn't really listening. she never really gave me any good advice...i suppose i never really asked her for any tho... i learned quickly that talking to her was pointless unless i was just looking to hear myself talk out loud.
for a while we did have some time with her where she'd take my brother & i out once a week to have dinner & we'd talk & have fun...but i never had that one-on-one time i craved with her.
she was an amazing mother in the caretaker & disciplinary sense of the word - which makes it very deceiving to other people who view a bad mother as one who neglects her children's basic needs. but as i get older, i think it's important for ur mother to also be ur friend & some sort of emotional support system & in that regard, she failed miserably at a time where it was most crucial (teenage years & up).
she's afraid to let people in. afraid to let them understand her. i think that as we got older & closer to adulthood; better able to understand things, she realized that & decided to shut us out just like she did with the rest of the world. when we were little she'd always describe her problems as 'stupid grown up stuff' but it used to drive me nuts cuz i wanted her to be able to talk about it so she wouldn't be so stressed out all the time. maybe she wanted to shield us & knew that she could up to a certain point. even so i would suggest to her that she talk to someone...ANYONE if she didn't want to talk to me so that she could get some sort of release. she always laughed it off & thought it was cute or whatever. even when i suggested that my parents get a divorce - i was 10 & dead serious. it was very obvious to me that they didn't belong together & continuing to have my brother & i go through all that trauma was ridiculous. she claims she stayed with him for us but that can't possibly be the case. they still love eachother to this day & i kno that but they are both too immature to be in a relationship that requires any higher level of responsibility & cooperation.
my mother has delusions of grandeur. she always wanted the big house & the nice car...she wanted to be taken care of. she's still trying to find that but she's never satisfied because she wants love as well. she had true love with my father....then the financial security with her second husband (also divorced)....now she's with a man old enough to be her father & trying to get herself in a position where she's in the will & on the deed to the house so she's set after he's gone.
so much more i could write about this...actually i can't believe i wrote this much! lmao
maybe i'll make a separate post for it... thanx for listening as always!! xoxoxoxoxoxo
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| Posted in
parents on 2008-04-02 09:41:08 |
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gwatlan - ur mom sounds lovely :o) it's good that she doesn't meddle but is always around when you need her. u'r certainly blessed :o)
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| Posted in
playground park on 2008-04-02 09:39:54 |
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don't u dare call me mommy!!!! hahahaha j/p j/p i don't kno man... it's kinda scary... i actually met them monday night but got caught up talking about my mother in my post yesterday.
i'll write about more interesting things today, i promise. ;o)
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| Posted in
Becoming the Arms of God on 2008-04-01 13:30:46 |
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i need a hug!! i need a hug!! hahaha ;o)
i doubt ur eyes & ears will ever fail u. ur such a wonderful soul. <3
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