yummy sucked me in again....i really thought i was over him....apparently not.  there's just something..... his eyes are so gorgeous....they pull at me & make me want to stay.  he reads me well too & i can see/feel what he sees in his head.  he's got a very masculine energy -- Me vuelve loca.


oh sh*t!!  that's it!  that's why i go for those types!  they make me feel feminine by comparison whereas i feel self conscious & almost 'masculine' when i'm around other females and/or 'lesser' males.... interesting.  i think most of it has to do with the fact that i am so ridiculously flat chested.  thats the one thing that sets me apart as far as i'm concerned & i am seriously considering implants...just small ones.  i just want to have something.  is that so wrong? just a nice full A or 'almost B' cup would satisfy me.  i wouldn't look right with big boobs & i don't want big ones...i just want to be normal.  aside from that, i have a muscular physique which also makes me self conscious...most of the time i'm proud of it but sometimes i want to be like the other girls.... 'delicate'....  thank God for my face, my small frame & my ass!!  lmao  if i were taller, broader & didn't have the curves i have in my lower half, i'd be doomed.  i'd look like a 12 year old boy!  a 12 year old boy with really really long hair.  hahaha  issues.  i suppose i should be grateful.  afterall, i have come a really long way.... it's just so frustrating

went to dinner with batman.  definitely a 'friends only' stamp on that one.  gol  awww he was nice....i think i made him nervous.  hahaha  he works for the admin sector of the airport & is gonna hook it up on saturday when i go for my flight - i think i'm gonna get a 'pass' to cut the line @ security!  that's the ish right there!  gol 

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completely random --- i want a new car so bad.... not a brand new car, just 'new' as in, not the car i'm currently driving. gol  the jetta was supposed to be stick & ever since i decided to go for it despite the fact that it was auto when i got to the dealership tho the online ad said 5spd, it has nagged at the back of my brain.  i would love to get another prelude & i do like the mazda (that's what sparked this thought - batman drives a 3) and of course there's always the ever gorgeous GTi... i don't kno... we'll see.  i'll do some research & make some calls...

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stood beast up.  not sure how i feel about that.  he left me 2 voicemails i have yet to listen to.... i texted him this morning but haven't heard back.  at this point, i care but i don't care.  the exchange we had after class on monday was uninspired; i think i may have 'turned the lights off'......

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BG called & left me voicemail...haven't listened to that one either yet....

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::deep breath::

after i met up with yummy last night i was walking up the block to port & this guy stopped me as i was on the phone with greg to tell me i had beautiful eyes.  lmao  he was actually pretty cute... very driven (determined after some conversation) & seemed like he'd be fun to chill with.  he wasn't trying to impress me & still managed to do so which i liked alot.  he gave me his card & i left it on the bus last night by accident but not before i put his number in my phone.  i'm gonna give him a call later. 

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i don't think i wrote about this yet but bahia asked me what i think about a relationship when i went to see him the other night..... ay!  i really like him..... but i kno myself too well.  i don't want to hurt him & he's just so good.....sweet....innocent...   maybe i view it more that way because he's younger....  that kinda makes me uncomfortable as well....feel like i'm 'robbing the cradle'..  lmao  oh well.  i saw him again on tues night & we talked a little about it.  i asked about his past relationships, he asked about mine & then i told him i didn't want to rush things with him & that i didn't feel like i was ready... he was cool about it. 

i do find myself missing him & wanting to see him.... but when i think about being in a relationship with anyone it spooks me.  i'm not ready to do that again....i don't want to do that again.  i don't kno if i ever will.  i can't imagine giving up the lifestyle i've established.....i don't want to have to limit myself in any way.  i don't want expectations...i don't want dependents....i don't want the responsibility that comes with a relationship & i don't want the feeling of inevitable ending that i seem to have associated with them.  almost as if i'd just be waiting for the day....that's no way to go about a relationship & it's certainly not fair to the other person.