The despair in my mind is so strong it is a physical ache.  I cried myself to sleep last night.  I felt so alone, there was noone there, everyone was busy and all I wanted was to be near someone, to be told that everything will be ok, even though I know it won't be.

I'm sitting at my desk now almost doubled over with the tension in my stomach.  It's hard to breathe.

Last night I dreamed that I killed myself.  I woke up and I was alive.  I was both disappointed and relieved at the same time.  It is just so hard sometimes to make the pain go away in a way that doesn't hurt.  I used to cut myself to stop feeling like this, now I write.  But even putting words down on a page doesn't stop it.  The cutting didn't stop it either, but it gave me a physical pain to focus on.

I feel like nothing helps any more.  But I know the medication is doing something.  If I didn't take the medication I think I would be dead.  If I am this bad when I am medicated, not being medicated doesn't even bear consideration.

I'm withdrawing into myself again to avoid being hurt.  I feel like people don't like me.  So I hide from them so I don't feel them watching me and judging me.  They don't even notice I'm not around, and when I am around they ignore me.

How do u tell someone in a nice way to fuck off, that you have your own things to deal with?

How do you explain to someone that you just can't see any light in your life any more?

How do you tell them that there is no reason for it and expect them to understand?

I feel guilty cos there is no reason to feel like this.  And cos I feel guilty I feel bitter and cos I feel bitter I get angry and cos I get angry I want to hurt myself and cos I want to hurt myself I feel more guilty.  It is a horrible vicious circle.

There is a constant ball in my throat that I have to keep swallowing so i don't cry.

I just want peace.