screaming naked running down the street

well anyway Iam plauged by immature thoughts ,obessions,compulsions etc
taking leftovers from parties on the job(employees see this complain,paranoid thinking,people look down on a 60 year old man scarfing food

Well got to work hurray,tuned in a movie. hurray! . "fly boys" never heard of it. Unfortunatly its a free thing and you watch it in pieces and 80 percent of the time its craps out. So I started watching the "Heat"an excellent movies with Al pacino and Robert Dinero.That movies craps out.


So Iam really relaxed which I shouldn,t be. It gets to the point Iam tired of bitching about her.Of course she will never leave my life.

Well at this stage of the shift,I start thinking about getting "with it " its so easy just to blow the night away.I wish I could stay on the job 16 hr. Especially where Iam permanetly assigned. All the comforts of home. Even a nice restroom with a locking door. Suits my many puposes.

Iam thinking I should start whinning about now ,but I feel to laid back.

So its odd, I ate some stuff that was catered yesterday,some rice cucumbers,tomatoes,all wrapped up in a edible shell.I hour later had the runs from it.So there is some more,I,ll microwave it and eat it like that

She calls up and says she is catching the bus to louisana to gamble.Well freedom shoots through my head but I hardly doubt it.

A sense of maturity hits me,as I leave the restroom.See above,I suppose Iam a tad depressed.There is to much bull shit in life.Does depression get so bad you see someone.

THis morning she comes in and says I put sugar on her ceral(she gives me that kick out routine,oh my gosh then escalates to "don,t take the car" You play the game.A stupid mindless game.
Of course it takes a bit out of the already fragil personnality I have already. What is it another swipe at ones wall of denial.

so she calls up and says shes not going to lousiana. I feel sorry because I have not provided a sense of guidance and leadership.After isn,t a man suppose to be tough. One wants to make the right decision.

I like seperating my journal out into paragraghs or "bullits"

Some may disagree but I look upon God as a overall keeper of your life I blame him for somethings or maby not. He brought me here tonight(work) and put in me a sense of peacefulness.

Hark its 1922 hr (722pm) I have blogged myself into wanting to stop maby more later

I had thought after reading thru these entries that all people talk about is a lover or partner or whatever.However Iam just as guilty.I sometimes wonder where the breaking point is. Tonight she says she wants to bring me some ice cream.(actually some kind of crushed ice with beans Right away it becomes a problem because she calls up and says where Iam I .I misunderstood and say Iam waiting outside. Later she calls ups and says she is waiting at some spot and describes it .So I ask are you downtown and she says" shit forget it" Really its at this stage of my night Iam thinking ,I got put down again. In my mind I cann,t shake it off,so now for the 2nd or 3rd time today I feel like shit becasue of her.

Right now Iam truly burnt out . I tired of appeasing her,tired of talking my way out of her vindictive mean I,ll get you streak."get out don,t come back,don,t drove the car blah blah.Me deep in the hell of denial.Thinking how can I survive.How can you do anything without a car.

One starts weighing the odds again.It terrible Actually its my own doing as I bitch and whin. Its absolutly possible to change ,except I prefer to wallow in it,guided by her psycho