my feelings go up and down.Spent the usual sessions in scratching her. In case you don,t know a very bad byproduct of kidney disease. She and I mostly her put up with this.I would be paronoid. She uses me in a effort to stave off the effects of the itching. Do I grow tired Each and everytime i think of leaving .Of course we have discussed that. Right now Iam work,tired of course.Work is my free time,although its usually is taken up with some project that never seems to get accomplished

4/8/08

I went home and she was gone ,I have to recogonize this life has hit the bottom(they always say have to hit bottom first before recovery)  my devious alter ego takes over ,seeking punishment from my body and soul thru self gradification smoking and drinking. I think its brought on by her in fact I know it is. So I complete all my stress relievers go out out to the woods to lay out in the sun in privacy so I can feel the warm sun on my body without clothes getting in the way. 

I went out to buy her some calcium and irom pills mixed together but couldn,t find any.  Bought some gin which taste like crap. Went to walmart(sleeping pills cookies) Heb (mac and cheese) Anyway home I could not figure out schedule A B capital gains and loses (fuck it) have to eamil some crap to the unemployment about her account. So!!!!
Home shampo the rug,mop the kitchen floor,sleep sleep sleep wonder why Iam not not getting my shit together to leave her (yea right) Umm Umm Lying to my self