As I mentioned before, I'm a college student. One of the biggest worries at this time has been lack of funds (a very common malady among us). I've recieved various financial aid assistance that has paid for a good portion of my schooling, but the trick is, I do not live with my parents. I also do not currently have a job(the search for a job will be ranted about later). So it was suggested that I take out a loan which I do not have to start paying back til after I graduate. With this loan money I've been able to afford rent on an apartment I share with a girl I went to school with at my old school(I am a transfer student from community college in senior college now). I can also split the electric and water bill, pay my cellphone bill, buy food, and then try to cover any other expenses that come up(for instance, vehicle repair, and extra gas for when I make a one hour trip to one of my parents house's[they're divorced] for a weekend). I try to be careful and have fits of being a pennypincher, but then I'll slip, and get something that I totally don't need, but talk myself somehow into getting. I almost always feel guilty afterwards, but can't return/undo what I've done. Little bits of spending on not-needed things tends to add up. 
     Whenever I recieve my funds from my financial aid and loan each semester I calculate up how much I will likely spend on the certainties(rent, electric, phone) and see how much I have leftover for less important things such as food, gas, and emergency money. normally there is next to nothing left for the latter. I think that scare in itself sorta puts me in a mental-shock-like attitude that seems to care less about the little random expenses that aren't needed because I know that I can't even pay for the needed ones until the next semester comes.
     Somehow though, I have survived, God has actually blessed me through random ways and I know I would not have made it through last year if he hadn't intervened and brought a little money in from here and there. I have the figures in my bankbook to prove it. I guess it was like that whole story from the Bible about the lamp that never ran out of oil...I really didn't deserve it though, especially after I have done such a poor job of keeping myself from spending on small frivolities that I could have lived without. I want to be a good steward of the funds I have been given, but I fail miserably at it, and can't seem to really for true stop. This makes me feel a lot like a failure with no willpower. It's so frustrating how you can SO BADLY want to stop being a certain way, yet find it almost impossible to do! I pray for help, but then seem to dig myself in deeper.
     This year is the same as last, only worse. I have no funds to pay rent after May. Fall semester funds normally don't come in til sometime in August, so I have nothing to live off of for June, July, and part of August. I have been keeping an eye out for part-time jobs, but nothing has been available with hours that I can work. My major has me in classes from 8am-5 or 6 each day and during the week I have projects that I have to work on for almost every class. Finals have finally arrived and I have one last final tomorrow night. I did some job hunting this weekend and came up with only one promising place, but there's still no guarantee I'll get the job. I have no other major plans, and no summer-classes this year so I plan on spending everyday looking for a job. 
     Why is it so hard for me to get a job? that is a rant for another time. It is getting late now and I'm going to go to bed. Thanks for listening.

--Firefly