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moms...and the damage they cause

today is my mom's birthday. i love my mom. i really do.

but my mom was not the mother that i would wish for. and i'm not the mother to my own children that she was to me.

my mom was the type of person, who didn't want others to know that there were family issues, that made us seem troubled or not perfect. when situations arose, we had to sweep things under the rug all neatly hidden and pretend that nothing was really going on.

there was no talking. no support. unless you count support as being told always, to "toughen up", or "get over it".

i learned early on, that my mom wasn't one i could go to with an issue or a matter of the heart. and i was one messed up kid, full of the insecurities one has when the dad has left with out explanation, and your left with a mom who really isn't "there". i most definitely got in my share of trouble.

my own kids were very different teens than i was. and i know now...that it's because i was open with them. in fact...i wouldn't LET anything be swept under a rug. we've always faced things head on, and gotten thru things together. as a result, my kids have always been able to come to me, even if they know i'll be mad about whatever it is. they understand, the anger fades, and they understand the anger comes from love. they understand that when you get right down to it...we are ONE.

i look at my kids and am amazed by their self confidence, something i never had. and a part of me soars with pride for being able to give them that...while i was so opposite. love is amazing...it can pull strength and resolve out of places you didn't know existed.

i still struggle with my own mom, who still finds ways to let me know that i somehow never quite measure up. i know now...that she did the best she could, with what she knew. there are no grudges..and yet, i don't forget either. scars are forever, i suppose.

and then my step-daughters. i identify with them so much because like me, they lack any self worth. they reach for all the wrong things in order to feel wanted and loved. but they lack another thing, that i don't. apathy. they don't have the ability to feel other peoples hurt or disappointment, and so in trying to reach them...it's almost like talking to a wall. i am not close with them, but not because i haven't tried at times. it's more because they don't try, and don't care to. it's complicated.

mothers can do so much damage to the people they are creating. it's so tricky and so hard to instill all the right morals and feelings, so that you end up with people you feel are going to do justice in this world we are part of. but when you don't work for that...and instead you release people, like me, like my step-daughters, and sometimes my son too...into the world, we always somehow end up hurting the good people that cross our life path. it makes things so complicated and confusing.

us flawed folks...seem almost to "like" hurting the good people in our lives. not because we enjoy it, but because we need the good people to prove to us that we are still worthy, despite our flaws.

but, it's not their job. they didn't hurt us, or neglect us, or abandon us. it's not their job.

moms....what mine did to me, i managed to reverse with my own, and now face trying to reach out and heal with my step-daughters.

does it ever end?