And now a workmate has just told me that he saw my ex being driven by that fucking tart that he's now seeing. I'm not sure why but I really hate her and I hate him, and I don't want anything to do with either of them;  which begs the question:- Why do I even care? Why do I even give a damn what he does with that whore he's with. I kow she's not half as pretty or intelligent or successful as I am, she has nothing on me. But then why do I care? Why do I feel sick to my stomach when I hear about him and her together? Is this a sure sign of weakness? Why can't I seem to get over this horrible phase in my life? Am I cursed to feel this way EVERY time I hear or see them? Why does it piss me off so much?

Maybe its just knowing that he's happy with someone else when he almost wrecked my life and left me questioning my own feelings. Maybe its knowing that nothing I ever did was enough, I was never good enough, and despite the fact that I left him, he rejected me first. He never loved me at all and he used me to give birth to his son, clean up after him and cook for him for four and a half years. I could have stayed single or married someone who would have appreciated me. I would not have lost faith in love. I would not have lost confidence in my ability to make the right choice. 

I feel tainted. Like he left a permanent scar that bleeds whenever I am in contact with him. It never heals, it festers silently then ruptures without notice. Will I ever love really fall in love? After how he hurt me? Is this how I'll alwas be? Please God No!

I want to be rid of this pain. I want to get over this pain. I want to feel nothing when I see him and I don't want to care when I see him with someone else. I want to reclaim my life and not have my feelings disrupted by smeone else. I want peace.

I thought of starting a 'surviving divorce"support group but as usual I got deflated a few days after coming up with the idea. I guess the other problem was that I didn't want to continue dealing with it nor did I want to surround myself with people dealing with it. Perhaps its a necessary evil and I imagine a few people would appreciate having other people to talk to. I don't know, maybe I'll start one or simply join one. Who knows, it may help.