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Another idle moment (couple of moments to be exact) at work. A workmate of mine and I took a walk down the road to have a look at the kitchens and other household goods for sale. I only agreed to go because I had nothing better to do at lunch. But when we arrived, I was shocked by just how beautiful everything was. I mean the showrooms were filled with the most amazing pieces, granite kitchens and tiles, lovely hobs and ovens and amazing bedroom furniture. I was in awe. And I immediately began to feel broody. I imagined my two children having breakfast in the kitchen, coming back from school and relaxing in the lounge. I saw myself living in marital bliss with my husband, in our own space, our own house. And I realised that that is what I want. I want to be HAPPILY married, pregnant with my next child in my own home. A place where I can live together with my children and my husband. And so far I have neither husband, nor home. I have a beautiful son and a place to live, not a home. My life is all over the place at the moment. I feel like I am at the brink of that life I want.
I want a family, it may not be perfect the way I imagined and planned in the beggining but I can make it work. I've come from being married, then divorced, then dating and cringeing at the thought of long term commitment, to hoping to meet that special someone to wanting to get married and settle down. I feel like I've come full circle. And sometimes I find myself looking at my son's old shoes and not wanting to put them down, marvelling at how small they are and remembering how small he was, how he'd look at me when I was feeding him, with no teeth, smiling at me as I breastfed him; the sweet smell of his hair. I remember how I'd look down at him and his bright little eyes would like up and he'd take a moment from his feed to stare back at me and smile, the milk flowing down the corner of his mouth. It was wonderful. And despite everything that was happening with his dad, he made my life so wonderful. And although he's still just a baby to me, I long for that closeness that you can only share with a nursing baby.
I could carry on and on about this; that's just how much I long to have another baby. I want this but have made up my mind to only have one when I am married and in a stable relationship. Until then, I'll sit with my little boy and remember those wonderful moments.
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Posted by ffeeona on 2008-07-03 08:51:31 | Rating: | Views: 22
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