I am an adult who has lapsed into her childish ways agian. Too much is going on and I reverted back into my old "habits". I don't want to call them habits, but rather a way of dealing with the emotional turmoil.

I started cutting again. I don't remember the last time I did this. When I did it when I was a teenager, I only made scratches or small marks with a sharp edge. I was in therapy at the time and she cared enough to take away my sharp razors that I bought. For some reason the shame that I had about cutting and her wanting me to stop worked for years.

Last night I was alone, as I often am.  I couldn't shut my mind off and I couldn't do anything that required any sort of paying attention. I had taken a nap, thinking sleep would ease my reeling mind, but when I woke up, my brian started reeling again. I walked into the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror and quickly turned away, I didn't want to see me, I hate me.

I had all this anxeity and all this emotion and crying couldn't ease my pounding chest. I cleaned the area on my leg that had been victim to previous cutting and I cleaned my implement thoughouly, and I got out and bandaid and I did it, I cut deeper than I have ever cut before. Blood started forming little droplets and I quickly wiped them away and put the bandage on. At that moment, my anexiety began to release from my chest. I didn't feel any physical pain, only relief.

In the morning when I was getting dressed I saw the bandaid and I felt shameful, so along with the anxiety I have now I feel shame in the pit of my stomach.

Something traumatic happened to me the other night that opened the flood gates and I tried contacting my counselor. She got a hold of me today and I confessed to her that I had cut and there was a, "How?" and I told her in a few as words as possible becuase I wasn't in a place where I could talk.

Feeling total guilt and shame and anger and hate and anxiety, I came home tonight and did it again.

When I started this blog, I didn't think it would become a place to put my most haunting thoughts, my most desperate ideas. I wanted to be normal, perhaps make an online friend or two, but now, with the chaos that ensues around me, all I can do from going absolutly mad is post it and go back to my childish ways of dealing.
I WANT SOMEONE TO CARE DAMN IT! ONE HUMAN BEING, SOMEONE TO CARE!