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Who are these people?

Maybe I see the world different. Maybe it's not a bad thing. I just took my Daughter to preschool. Tried to take a new way home. Big mistake. I got lost. Nothing new. The road I ended up on had the most beautiful, hugest houses. Who are these people? Why am I not one of them? I have to drive home to my crappy condo. With my crappy stuff. With my crappy neighbors.
But I should be happy. Thankful for what I have. We own our crappy condo. We drive decent, newer vehicles. My husband has a good job. We don't go without. Except, without houses and vehicles and money that those people have. I want to be better. Have better. Do better. How?
I feel alone. Like I'm selfish. Why can't I be happy. I've heard the starving children in Africa story more times then I can count. I send money. For food. For aids prevention. Maybe now I can want better for myself too.
"Can't see clearly from below, caught up in the under tow. Your not alone. Your not alone. When it feels like your to blame. You hate the sound of your own name. Your not alone. Your not alone.When no one hears you. And the world's against you. Your not alone. Not alone." Tupelo Honey
Then my other side comes out. I'm fine where I am. Instead of worrying about the big house we should worry about paying our debt down. We got a cheap roof over our heads. In this day and age, we should be thankful. Even if something bad happens. Like my husband losing his job or making less money. We will be fine. Maybe those people in the big houses wont.
Still, wouldn't it be nice to be in that house. With that furniture. With those vehicles. With that money. My friends would look up to me. My family would be proud. Not now. Now they worry. They are disappointed. What if she does something bad to herself. What if I did? I wont. Not yet. Still have some hope. Even if it's full of holes and doubt.
I wish I could go back. Back when it wasn't. Maybe nine years old or so and have a conversation with myself. I would be in that house and it would be close to paid. Can't do that. Too late. That's my life. That will probably always be my life. Too little too late. But I love my husband.
He saved me once. I hope he saves me again. Not alone.

Posted by famousdeeds on 2009-11-06 23:59:40 | Rating: