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Love

That feeling you get when you first hold your new born baby. That all encompassing love. The need to protect. Teach. The fear that something bad could happen to them.You couldn't bear it.You'd just die.
Slowly, over time it subsides. You still love yes. But. If they were around thirteen and they died. You would be heartbroken. Sick. But. You would live.
Cause I know that's when it starts. That's as good as life will be. It's going to get bad. Fast. That's when the molestation starts. It goes on for year. I try to stop it. I say no. No more. He makes my mom cry. It hurts me that he is doing it because of me. I love my mom. I think she knows whats happening. Then he try's to rape me.
He's taken so much already. Nothing sacred is left. Just that. I need help. I know my family can't be trusted. I go to the police. I'm fourteen. My family disowns me. I'm even more alone. I hate my mom.
Then I think, she is all I will ever have. I'm not any better than her, just different. She forgives me. I forgive her. That's just the start.
After that comes the talker. The mental abuse. The emotional abuse. The physical abuse. Says he loves me. Will never leave me. Says I need him. I believe him. I give in. I give up my life to him. He dictates my every move. I hate him.
After that comes Mr. Perfect. I can do no wrong. He does everything I ask. Everything. I'm his first. He thinks it's true love. I don't love him. I'm angry that he won't give me a reason to leave. I'm meaner and meaner. He stays solid till the end. Then I leave him. I hate myself.
Then the talker again. I'm a sucker. He told me I should have just stayed. No one would love me like him. He will take care of everything. I have to stay in the house. He talks to me even from work. Sometimes for days.Can't do it. Run away.
Then the worst one. The poet. First day he writes a poem saying I'm the one. It's love at first sight. We are soul mates. It's the first time I feel real love towards someone. He doesn't bend to me but he always made it clear that we would work anything out cause we are meant to be. I believe him. I give up everything for him. My life is his. He won't work. There is no future. I miss my kids. I have to leave him. It kills me. I can't breathe. I hate life. But. We will be together when its right. Not true. Never was.
Then the talker. He promises he just wants to help me. Give the kids and I a place to stay. It takes three months to break me. Three months of hell. Then he puts a ring on me. I love the ring. I picked it. Nothing but the best for his prize. He'll do almost anything for me. But he wont let me go. I'm scared of him. If I disagree. I know not to. He takes my will. But I get help. I leave.
I'm alone. Different guy every night. Don't trust anyone. No one was honest. Not my family. Not the men. Fuck everyone!
Then comes the little boy in the ghetto. I like him. Maybe I'll stay awhile. But. I'll say what I have to. I wont trust. I wont give all me. Not to anyone. Two years. Maybe this is real. Maybe I can trust. Wrong. I give up everything. Everything. He promised if I did, he would marry me. Lie. I have our daughter. Three more years of hell. Then we get married. I don't feel married. I feel regret. Slowly. I feel love. I feel married. But. I can't forget five years. Drives me crazy.
Granted maybe I was a little crazy already. Who wouldn't be. But. This pain is more then before. With the others. This pain is never ending cause now I love him so much I can't leave. I can't move on. Get over it. It's killing me. Why do I love him so much and he doesn't love me that much back. I love my husband.

Posted by famousdeeds on 2009-11-07 00:03:31 | Rating: