I've been writing in my head for ages what i would soon choose to write down, but it's easier to gorget and rewrite in your mind to pass the day than to sit and kick the computer until it works. I can tell I'm not going to stay in this spot for long. The functionality of this blog just isn't there. At least not on my slow vette.


Sometimes it just doesn't make sense. I can't say it's worse than when it does. I have problems, we all do. I just don't function. I blame it on my childhood, or lack thereof. I don't have fun and exclude myself from any of it. Even when I am rocking my socks of, people still ask me if I'm bored and want to leave or get mad because I'm not enjoying it to the fullest. Am I really to blame for my lack of being able to express myself? Who am I to owe you any obvious excitement? The expectations are the same as they always have been, one sided and most unreasonable.

It is hard not to dwell on many things at once. Today more than anything I felt like cutting, crying. I cannot give you what you want, the life you'd love to have, and most positively would have if it wasn't for me. I'm trying, love, to make things better, even though know they aren't quite worse. Moving is the only change I feel that I've got. One year away, maybe the sixteen years currently resting on my stupid shoulders will be lifted. It doesn't seem that easy to lighten up and have fun, it really doesn't. I don't want to be a stupid sob telling yo u how i have it bad, because I don't have it bad. I just don't want to bring you down with me. You know you'd be miserable. First love to you, if that isn't so noble to say. I love you, truly madly deeply, but you know you can do a million times more pretty and amazing, more meaningul, and someone to be able to live with you the life you'd love to live.

Who knows, maybe I will cut. Such a small thing wont last. I think I wont. Not as if it matters.

Oblivious, you know, oblivious, you are, oblivious, you might not be, oblivious, I'll never know.