it is so funny how one area of life can be so dead and depressing and another is flowing with life and joy. Though my heart longs for life and joy to be in both, actually all of it. I often wonder why exactly do we long to be one with someone else who is just a messed up as we are. and somehow in He makes a beautiful happy baby girl from us imperfect humans to be responsible for a precious little one. sometimes i worry about the bad decisions will make about her, I pray that He takes care of her where i fall short. i am so scared to totally screw her up like my mother did me. no pressure! though i wish i wasn't raising her alone. well practically alone if it werent for family and bf. this really isn't fair.
i waited to become one with the right one but it seems he has no intention to become one with me. I have given up so much for him and to have this treatment isn't right. i should be treated with respect and dignity not to be his personal rug because he can do whatever he wants. oh, who cares about bills, they will understand that he spent the money on food and gas. sure they will. nevermind that we have a daughter that needs to fed. i guess my fears are going to be coming true. looking down the dark spiral of seperation. my breaks at the thought because i love him and she needs him too. but i also dont want my daughter to think that this is normal and okay. its okay for daddy to treat her like she is crazy, to always start fights over nothing, getting in mommies face and etc. i dont want her to ever think that so i suppose i will have to stick up for myself. where will we go and what new job will have to take. who will watch mae. i dont know. this feels like a bad dream that doesn't want to end.