You know, it's really wierd.  I have a family that does exist, but they have absolutely nothing to do with me.  I do have a lot of mistakes under my belt (and probably other places too), but I have owned up to them and have actually became a better person.  Wanna know what my family said a year ago when my son was in the hospital?  My so-called-family said that I deserved it.  My son was fighting for his life and he was only five weeks old and I deserved that.  Obviously there's people that I don't like, but I would never wish what I had went through to happen to them.  I was at a very crucial point in my life.... I really needed my mom.  The sad part is that she was the one that was saying it.  It was like a follow the leader game and she was the leader of the rest of the family.  My mom has hurt me so much and when I look back on it, I honestly don't know why I kept trying to get her approval.... her acceptance.... her love.  There was another point in my life that I reached out to her and she has completely used that against me.  Okay... to sum it up... I have a total of five kids.... three of which my mom has custody of.  I haven't seen them for almost three years... they don't even know their brother and sister.  I signed temp. custody over to her and entered into a rehab.  I was gone for six months getting help... getting out of an abusive relationship... bettering myself to become a better mom.... and while I was gone, my mom somehow got full legal custody and refuses to let me see them.  I can't do anything because I don't have the money to get a lawyer.  If I had a lawyer, I could probably have my kids... It's really complicated.  I've tried calling and get hung up on.... I don't dare show up because knowing my mom, the shot gun would be introduced. 
Here's my question... how can anybody's mother do this? 
I can't go to work because I my youngest son's disablities, therefore I don't have extra income, and my mom has taken me to court twice for child support.... I talked to her once and I told her that she should see her other grandchildren and she told me that she didn't want to.  I have a one year old and a two year old and they are doing really good.  Yeah, children services are involved but they have to be since my soon-to-be ex-husband hasn't been to trial yet.  They actually tell me that I have been doing an excellent job and they really are looking forward to shutting down the case.  Just a follow up.... my soon-to-be ex-husband shook my one year old.
Okay, well, thanks for reading this.... it really does help to just talk.... to put my thoughts down.... although my thoughts are generally scattered, but so is my life... lol... gotta keep up the good spirits...