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This is always the hardest part... the first entry. I never really know what to say. I guess I should just start at the beginning.
I live with my mother, my step father, my step sister, my half sister, an my "real" sister. In that order, their names are Carol, Rob, Melanie, Robin, and Bethany. I have a step brother Jamie, but he doesn't live with us.
Because I have such a big family, you would expect that I am super lucky right? Wrong. I would do anything to trade my life for someone else's. Sometimes I feel guilty for saying that because I know there are people in this world with worse problems than I have... but sometimes I honestly feel like death would be way easier than living.
To some, my life doesn't seem so bad. My friends don't believe me when I say I have severe depression. I almost always have a smile on my face. I have a great sense of humor. They don't have to live with an incredibly emotionally abusive step-father. Nobody really has seen it except for Sami. It was great for a while having a best friend that knew everything about me, and I about her. Then we had to go ruin it by getting arrested for shoplifting. That was when we were about 14 years old, and nothing has been the same between us since.
Don't get me wrong, we still talk. But now she has a boyfriend, Abe, and new friends at school. I was held back and had to repeat 9th grade the year after the shoplifting incident occured. Now we hardly see eachother at school and she will be graduating this year. I have no idea how to handle that, but I am trying not to think about it.
Another person who has a pretty good understanding about me and the emotional roller coaster I seem to be permanently riding is Jordan. Jordan is half black, and he has beautiful skin the color of coffee with extra cream. We like to have nightly excursions and break the law in as many ways possible in one night.
I must sound like a really great kid, huh?
I'm honestly not a bad person, but what else is there to do in a small town when you have your license but little to no money? I try to be a good person. I have a conscience. I feel bad when I steal money from my mother even though I do it often. I guess in some ways I am just mad at her and feel like she needs to be punished when she makes me upset... which is often. It's even more often that my step dad makes me upset, but that just traces back to my mother... I mean, she shouldn't have married him to begin with. If she didn't marry him, I wouldn't have to be forced to take 2 pills a day for the rest of my life to "help" me with my depression.
If you ask me, psychological medicine doesn't do shit. That's like being stabbed in the heart with a knife, and instead of removing the knife... taking pain medication to numb it for a while.
This entry is long enough, I'll write more tomorrow perhaps.
Faith
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Posted by estrellaxx on 2008-01-19 22:30:20 | Rating: | Views: 51
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hey there, you know what,you are intelligent and reflective and it sounds like you need a friend. I belive that meds are numbing as well and I hope you can slowly learn to accept your situation, once you do that, I am hoping you will feel some weight lifted off your shoulders. So you think you are a good person, making stupid choices and thank god you are in a small town, u no why? Big cities have wonderful cheap drugs and predators that will take advantage of your beauty. I know small towns have drugs too, but more costly and comes with the tag of gossip, Oh My God! I hope all works out for you and I know it will. Take care and be good.
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Posted by jjlmrken
on 2008-01-19 22:39:24
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