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So much has changed

So much has changed since the last time I've wrote even though it was not that long ago.

Smaller more immediate things first: I am taking a month off from karate. It is getting less and less enjoyable and the pace of it is dragging along so I am taking a month off to see if it changes the pace of things a bit. I will return to it in mid-May.

More importantly, I met a great guy. I'm not naming names here, but we've been going out officially for a little over a month now and for the first time in a long time I'm happy. I can't get enough of him. I could live and die and those arms of his. I'm not ready to move quickly. I'm not ready to jump into anything permanent like getting married again. In fact I have no desire to ever marry again at this point considering the last one. Anyway, we have moved pretty quickly up to a point and have started to slowly settle into that comfort stage where if it's not broke you don't try and fix it. I'm afraid of getting too attached too soon. I know I'm not in love with him yet, and frankly I'm afraid of falling in love again period, but happy I am. He's good for me and I realize that and above all, it freaks me out. He's millions of time better than anyone else I've been with for a number of different reasons, one of which is that he actually respects me. Not something I'm used to. We went away for a weekend to Vegas with his sister and her husband to the monster truck finals and I think since then we've grown closer. I'm definitely happy with where things are now and so very grateful for him in my life. I feel so lucky and yet so vulnerable. We'll see how things progress over time. I am fine with things the way they are so even if nothing changes, so long as we make each other happy, I can't ask for anything more.

My divorce is still pending. Knock on wood, things should be final July 5th. I can't wait to have this mess over and done with. He and I have begun to get pretty nasty to each other and I hate that. Not that I really want his friendship but I never anticipated things getting to where they are now. I do wish him the best.....with someone else.

Things with my mom are getting really, really bad. I feel like she doesn't love me and doesn't care about me. I don't know if I'm really in the mood to get into it right now on here but things are really bad and its breaking my heart. It feels like she does things on purpose to hurt my feelings and when it's your mom doing something like that it's like having your heart torn out, smashed and given back to you. My feelings have been hurt so much it's more than just pain it's anger and resentment. I want a relationship with her that is supportive and stimulating and happy. I am starting to realize that will never happen and it hurts so badly I can't even explain it. I have no way out; no viable solutions and little hope at this point. Even if we get back on speaking terms with one another it's like building scar tissue. It never really heals like it should. Enough about that, and about everything. I'm off for the night. Cheers.