There are 45 days left until my divorce is final.  Not that I am counting or anything.  I received notification from the court today in the mail stating that our case had been approved by a judge and that the official date of the termination of our marriage is July 5, 2008.  Just shy of 4 years married.  The finality of it has not sunk in quite yet but as for now I am not displeased with the ending of my union with my ex.  However, it does feel like failure in huge way.  He failed, yes, but so did I.  I made decisions I should not have made, as did he.  Both to blame, but really neither at fault.  It is such a complicated situation.  It is better that it is coming to a close.  With closure will come a greater ability for me to move on with my life emotionally. 

I am still with my someone else.  It will be interesting to see if my divorce being finalized will change the dynamic of our relationship.  If change does occur, hopefully it will be for the better because I am definitely not ready to end my relationship with him.  In fact, I am quite content.  Some things will grow and develop with time and I understand that, but for the length of time we have been together I think we are doing remarkably well.  I need to be careful not to be dependent on him too much for my own happiness.  That is something I need to work on within myself.  I am still staying very guarded about him, at least until the divorce is final.  After that, here's hoping for a long road of happiness.  And no, I am not suggesting marriage again. 

Other things....
Work is getting hard to find. I am going crazy sitting at home doing nothing.  I need to make a decision about school.  Another Bachelor's degree or a Master's Degree??  In what?  How do you find what it is you are meant to be doing?  Do I take the easy road to a Master's Degree in a psychological field?  An easy two years?  I do not know if that is what I am meant to do.  I am 26 years old and I have no clue.  It is very disturbing.  I am afraid of choosing something else and then coming away with another degree I have no use for or I do not enjoy.  I cannot get a good job with the degree I have now, why get another one?  Where do I even begin?  I want answers so badly. I want to start something that will better myself but I feel like I am just going to make another bad decision in my life.  I am tired of making bad decisions.  I need an epiphany.  I need motivation. 

Speaking of motivation.....
I have none.  Well, hardly any. The thing is, I know I would be happier if I just buckled down on some things and got them done.  If I could force myself to be consistent at the gym it would improve my body and make me happier.  If I could pick a program and go back to school, I would be happy when I finished it.  Why it is so very hard for me to focus on something and follow through I have no idea, but it is extremely frustrating.  I need some sort of life-changing event to point me in a direction.  Yes, I am happy again, but how do I use that to my advantage in this case?  So many unanswered questions.  I need to be looking for another job, even a second job in retail or something but again, I have no motivation.  When will it end??????  Soon I hope.  I will let you know when I get a fire under my ass.  Until then, I'm out!  Ciao!