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| I cheer back up and get knocked back down. |
I feel sad. I didn't feel totally sad on Saturday. Matt's nieces were coming over and we spent most of the morning fiddling around in my cothes, talking about school, and just being girlie. I hate to say it but I actually liked it a lot. Made me feel like I was in Goergia again.. it felt homely. I felt I fit here. Then they unexpectedly invited me to go shopping with Matt's sister Casey and them. I didn't have any money, but I thought it'd be fun and a great opportunity to get to know his family better.
It absolutely was. I enjoyed my time thoroughly. Even one of the neices proclaimed at one point,"Ariel, I'd really love you to be my Aunt. I can't wait for you and Matt to get married." It tickled me on the inside when she said that. I told Casey and she laughed and told Matt's mom. Ms.Lee laughed and said,"Oh sorry,Ariel, we seem to just get attatched so easily. haha" I thought about Matt a lot through the day though.. wondering if he was resting after he had a long day at work. Just different things. It made me feel whole to know he'd be sitting in his room as soon as we got back. It just made me really happy, you know? His mom and Casey were very kind to me the whole time we were shopping. Savannah and Kendal wanted my advice on everything. o_o I was dragged everywhere!lol It was still fun though.
When we got back... sure enough he was home playing on his xbox and enjoying himself. I relaxed with him for a while and let him rest early so he could be okay for working hard again the next day. Even though I fet a little frisky, I held back for his sake because he was sore and all. I felt kind of sore myself from walking all day so it worked out alright. The next day I went to church with his family. It was alright... I'm not totally into the new age christian faith where you read from a projector and the preacher isn't wearing a suit or ceremonial robes, and the people aren't dressed up either. I think it was just me though.. I'm really old-fashioned when it comes to church. I like the hynmals...the nicely dressed people, the respectful and quietly crisp air haging about the room. I know God loves no matter where you worship, but the peaceful atmosphere of the Catholic church is just my pick and I like it for what it is.
After attending church, we ate chinese.Came back home and I waited for matt to come back from work before I changed. He came not too long afterwards and took a shower. I cuddled with him for a while before going out to Patricias and having some coffee and turning in my application and hanging out with her some more. We talked for hours and hours. Matt sent a few texts, wondering where I was. Which i don't know why he would when he knows I'd text him if anything was wrong. But I did get home later and laid down with him for a while. Again.. I felt a lil frisky but held back again because I thought he was tired. Well I was WRONG. Only by a litte bit. He sexually teased me before I had to go to my room. It pissed me off a lot. I really wanted him but I knew I couldn't push my limits and convince him into a quickie or something because it was already late and he had work early in the morning. It made me even more angry when he suggested I could "take care of i myself". What does he think I am? A guy? When I'm in the mood, I want my man, nothing else. So no, I held it in and went to my room. stayed up half the night talking to my ex who would've jumped at the opportunity to do anything with me. It just made me so mad and I don't know why.
Then the next day I calmed down some. He left me some money on the counter so I wouldn't be tempted to eat the stale burger in my purse. He texted me most of the day. I did laundry, studied some, and even cleaned his room for him. I liked the way he looked when he came in later in the day and saw it. He seemed kind of stunned but happy. His mom was exstatic over it. We cuddled a long time when she left and when his dad came home he fixed supper and ate in his room. Even though i stuffed myself during the day, the pasta was so rich I couldn't finish it all. Matt was afraid it didn't taste well and it took everything in my power to convince him otherwise. The pasta was, honest to God, great. If I had more room in my stomach, I would've downed another two bowls of it.
Then he said he didnt feel really frisky at all after he ate, I agreed.. it was filling. He lied down next to me and started bein all sweet and cuddly and was starting to edge towards intimate and I was joking with him and fussing about it, flirting a little, then he mentions something about a weird porn he saw. Look I'm totally okay with him looking at porn. As long as I don't have to see it or hear about it. It makes me feel absolutely livid, though, when he mentions about porn right BEFORE we plan on being intimate. It completely turns me off and pisses me off. I don't want my man thinking about some other woman before being intimate with me. How am I to know he's not thinking of her during a real intimate moment between us? It upsets me. So I turned away from him, angry he said it and faked my stomach being hurt so he'd leave me alone about it. Oh but I missed him all weekend and really wanted him so I got over it a few minutes later and got more aggressive with my come-ons. I thought about one thing I wanted and since I was on birth control and missed like ONE pill that day, I thought it'd be a good idea to try hat I wanted again, cause I was confident I wasn't going to be pregnant or anything. I mean damn, I'm nearly done with this month's supply of BC and thats what the stuff is supposed to prevent.. I mean, why else wouldn't I be taking it? And if something happens, theres always plan B.
But out of all my begging he still said no. he kept saying it and saying it. Saying that he loves me but doesn't want me pregnant even when I tried to explain that what my fucking BC prevents! I got angry at first, but seeing as he was trying to be all sweet.. it just got me upset. I told him I wanted to go to bed. He knew I was upset and wouldn't let go of me until i told him what was wrong.I didn't but managed to get to my room anyway.I cried a lot.
It wasn't that he told me no..it just felt like..e didn't want to be intimate with me anymore. Like I wasn't worth it. I haven't seen any of my friends since I lived here. Not even talked to hardly anyone but patricia. I confide in Matt about a lot of things. Then I just started to think he was sick of it. Sick of me being here. Sick of me being in his room 24/7. Like he's saying he loves me but doesn't mean it anymore. I was more than tempted to just..just call the career center woman and tell her that he and I broke up and I need the separate housing. It wouldn't have been hard. I would've been out of Matt's house soon and he wouldn't have to deal with me and my "problems" everyday. I feel like he's the one for me..maybe I'm just spoiled..or too needy. Maybe it would be better if I went back to Georgia. Nothing would have changed there. Still the same people, the shame, the expectations I have to live up to, the emotional and verbal abuse. It would've been the same as it alwyas was, and when i finally screw up and live in a trailer with a jerk who doesn't give a rat's ass about me,I may start thinking about Matt again. If he found someone else. If he started his own family without me. If he's whispering "I love you" to someone else every night. I'm just probably asking for too much. He'll break and be like every man in the world who I knew growing up. He'll kick me out and find somone better. Guaranteed.
I don't feel like being intimate anymore. I feel sick. I'm just going to study and be out of his way.
I just feel low right now.. I really need a job..I hope the career thing comes in okay. I hope it all works out.
I just want to love and be loved. I feel alone. =(
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