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things I never shared

I write my first blog under the influence of two tylenol 3s.

I want to say sorry for going in twice.
I want to say sorry for not being careful.

Things are easier when I pretend to be someone else, things are easier when I pretend to be pretty and happy. He is happier when I am like this, but nobody knows. Perhaps I should pray, but I find that I do not deserve to.
I think that when I pray, he is laughing at me. I think that he is crying at me. And this I don't want to think about.

It all started when I wanted to experiment. It all started when I was mad at my father.

And now, I am watching other people live their life. I sit in the background, no longer the front. I use to be beautiful but I don't feel it anymore. I use to be happy but sometimes I forget how to. I feel guilty when I laugh and guilty when I feel guilty.

Why am I writing here? Because I want to help myself. I want to live my life for both of you. I need to build confidence. I need to stop procrastinating and realize that my life is for myself. It is good, and I am very young.
I want to life my life for him, and for you two.

Tomorrow is a new day and I will try to live it productively. I will wake up and do things that I have to do and not feel guilty. I will cry and not feel guilty. I will feel and be happy.

Posted by emceetee on 2009-11-04 00:27:28 | Rating: