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| Living a Polyamorist Lifestyle |
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2007-05-30
I have been thinking about this quite a bit recently because it is something that we have chosen to accept and live with. And it is something that many people do not understand and rarely understand. I know this because I am often faced with their prejudice, their judgments on my actions and unfortunately I also have to deal with those who feel they know better than I do on how I “should” lead my life. So I thought I might do my best to educate a little in this blog. Definitions will come first. I will also give some links at the end that will lead others for their own search. Something that in the beginning we didn't have when we were just starting out. And then I want to end with something personal, mainly because it is my blog of course.
The Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary describes Polyamory “as the state or practice of having more than one open romantic relationship at a time.”
< http://www.m-w.com/ > People who are Polyamorists are NOT promiscuous people. Polyamory is also NOT about “swinging”. Swinging is defined as recreational sexual activity, also called "sport sex" where partner(s) or participant(s) agree to have casual sex with each other(s). There is usually no emotional involvement as in Polyamory. Swinging is a form of monogamy in which usually two primary partners agree to have casual sex with other couples or singles. The Polyamory and swing communities are allies under the alternative lifestyles banner. "Polyamory is about close intimate personal relationships rather than casual sex and poly groups do not hold sex parties or serve as pick-up clubs. Polys vary a good deal in their attitudes toward casual or recreational sex, though most polys are sensuous, adventure-some people. Still, many swingers may find that Polyamory is a natural step onward in their relationship path, carrying them beyond recreational sex to multilateral intimacy.”<Pali Paths of Hawaii> (http://www.polyorlando.org/) Polyamory is also NOT the same as polygamy. Polygamy is the practice of one Dominate man with many wives and more children than normal monogamist families might have.
Polyamory is about allowing fully equal respect and freedom of the heart and soul for all partners allowing intimate love of others without domination in ownership or jealousy. Although I think it is important to explain that many of these definitions are textbook and each family unit is free to decide what works for them. So if they have a Triad Family grouping, where there might be 1 male and 2 females in such Triad. Sometimes family dynamics allow for different loving dynamics as in all relationships. Perhaps there might be 1 Dominate and His 2 slaves or subs in his Family. There are many different types of Families in Polyamory. As there are in regular Monogamist lifestyles, as there are in life at all. We can not all live the same way… it would be boring and tiresome and I think it would lead to many unhappy people. Sometimes a plain Vanilla, Monogamist lifestyle works for some… and sometimes an Alternative Lifestyle works for others. My suggestion is, experiment till you find what works for you and then once you do, and your partner or partners are happy as well; then work hard to achieve whatever nirvana you seek.
I think that the definition that Wikipedia put out on what Polyamory is spoke to me the best. So I will give it to you here. “Polyamory (from poly=multiple + amor=love) is the desire, practice, or acceptance of having more than one loving, intimate relationship at a time with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved. Polyamorous perspectives differ from monogamous perspectives, in that they respect a partner's wish to have second or further meaningful relationships and to accommodate these alongside their existing relationships.” (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyamory)
So Polyamory basically loves more than one person. Those that practice this lifestyle find it very fulfilling and I think the majority of mainstream America would be surprised at the amount of people that live an Alternative lifestyle of any kind. Polyamory is about total honesty and openness in relationships. Most monogamous relationships end in divorce or break-up due to cheating or jealousy. Polyamory allows mutual lovers to be honest and open about passions, desires and/or needs that differ from their significant other... and allows each person to explore what they need to be complete and happy. So, is loving someone a good reason to stop loving someone else? Polyamorists don't think so! Polyamory is a self-awareness and understanding that every person has a right to be totally free, including the heart and soul, on issues of love and passion. It means giving the person you love the freedom to share themselves intimately with others as they desire, on an emotional, intellectual, spiritual and/or sexual level, based on the guidelines that you and your partner(s) agree upon.
Polyamory is about future family models and the belief that human beings have the ability to love more than one person intimately in a committed, sustainable, multiple relationships. Polyamory is about maturity and overcoming our jealousies. Polyamory is about living a wholesome, healthy and responsible life. Polyamorists, like most other minority groups in the world, face bigotry and discrimination in their lives by people who would choose to dictate how others should live their lives. We live among society and they don’t even realize it. IN my own marriage and life I seen the prejudice and preconceived ideas that mainstream America seems to have against something they know little about. (http://www.polyorlando.org/ )
Some of you may be wondering about jealousy. And yes it can be an issue in any relationship, regardless if it is a poly family or the relationship is monogamous. It is something that needs to be discussed by all parties involved so that it doesn’t later become a true issue in the relationship. Besides jealousy is not about what you’re not getting it’s at its root, the fear of losing something. Such losing your spouse to another woman or man outside the family or even inside the family. Jealousy affects everyone at some point in their lives. You can either let it control your actions/life or you can control it. It is YOUR choice. It’s better to decide to make the choice to control it yourself. If you start to feel jealous about something, I suggest you talk it over with your spouse(s) before it eats away at everything you hold dear.
I have just touched on certain points, in no way have I gone over all there is about Polyamory or even Alternative Lifestyles at all. This is why I will list a certain number of links at the bottom of this blog which will give a starting point for everyone to begin their own start of self-discovery. Should you decide to do so.
When my ex-husband I first got together in 1995 we began a Polyamorist lifestyle. At the time I was in my middle twenties and I honestly was just coming into my own about certain things. I had in the past year had my first bisexual experience and had hoped it would not be my last (it had not been.) But I wasn’t quite so ready for being poly as my husband was. And for those who know my situation and are ready to start asking, yes… he was Christian then too. I cannot say that he and I share the same taste in women which I think maybe was one of the problems. So the women he often invited home to stay with us after talking to them for months and such… was just not working for me. Often these relationships became one-sided where they made love but I stayed out of it and then felt jealous over it. When I kept my feelings to myself it was detrimental to our relationship. ALWAYS. I soon learned to express how I felt to him and things improved. Certainly, one of the problems is that I was raised differently than he was. Being that my parents were both Southern. Mom was born in WV and her upbringing was from two hard-working Southern people who made sure she acted a certain way. My father (still alive) had a similar upbringing but he spent most of his childhood in a Military School, which he brought this discipline to how he raised his own children, my brother and i. I have a friend, fellow blogger, a Dominate who introduced me to his wife, and now we are the best of friends. He, I think had it correct that those silly “Fairy Tales” that we are read to and pushed at by parents and teachers doesn’t do us any good. They in fact harm us a great deal. (http://www.myspace.com/twistedinstinct1 )
We, as little girls spend our childhood pretending to be that “Princess” waiting to be saved by our Fairy-tale “Prince” and we play that out in the games we play in schools. Boys are all playing at being knights, with swords and shields, wishing they would win the hand of some “beautiful fair maiden.” Only to grow up and realize that those: beautiful, branch-thin, blonde, long haired, virgin-Maiden, Princesses waiting to be saved don’t really exist. They might, in fact find a woman with one or two of those qualities but I doubt they will find them all. As a woman I see other women searching for her “Handsome Prince” as well. When in fact life is more like a Shrek movie then it will ever be Disney’s version of Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, or Beauty & the Beast. While those are of course entertaining for our children, I think it gives them unrealistic values and goals with which to try and attain.
These stories make us look for a certain type of life that we can never hope to attain without trial and error and sometimes a lot of heartache, and that would be “Happily Ever After.” I don’t know anyone who doesn’t search for that in some way. I mean hell, the high school I ended up in, Aquinas (Augusta GA) taught their students to seek this ideal. Religion classes were geared towards the idea that Teachers were to tell students that their goals were to get married, have babies, and live happily ever after. Most of the people I know from my graduating class of 89 students has been through divorces and sometimes worse. I mean who are we kidding? I learned just last month that my 20 year reunion is next year. One of my old High School friends asked me if I was going. She herself is on her second marriage. I thought I about it for all of 10 minutes before telling her that I would not be going. She thought it would be worth the drive from where she lives in Florida to Augusta. I honestly don’t harbor those same tendencies. Sure, I can think of a few students that I might like to see again and perhaps a few teachers. But I can also imagine that a few of them won’t care to see me again. And honestly I don’t care. I imagine if I showed up, they would think that I had turned out just as they had always imagined. After all, at the Senior breakfast, I think the voted me Most Likely to Live an Alternative Lifestyle or some such nonsense. My parents were there and were shocked. They were even more shocked when I looked at the committee who put the breakfast together and told them to go fuck themselves. I guess they had thought it was funny. And yes, I have digressed again. But it’s almost 6am and I have been up all night again.
Anyway back to the point of the blog. We lived with our choices for 5 years. During that time there had been several women in our family that came and stayed a while and then left when they were ready to their own way. There have been a few women in my life that have been memorable enough that I wish there would have been a more lasting life with them. I mean I have a friendship with all of them now, which is something I am thankful for. I can not say the same for the women that my husband invited in. I think of our trip to visit a special friend in Indiana and it is a memory I will never forget. And maybe because they say you never forget the first person whom you are with, or with whom you have those feelings for… and certainly I loved her in a way that carries over to this day. When I see her picture now, it always makes me smile. I suppose for us the lifestyle worked for us, we were friendly enough and fun. There just came a time that life became more of an issue… outside influences started intruding and we stopped all intimacy. And if it is not there in our own relationship between the two of us, it is going to be hard to be there for a third or fourth person.
Would I like things to continue or go back, I would. I miss certain aspects of being poly and I certainly miss the intimacy in our relationship. I miss a lot of things these days. I have plenty of love to share. And please, don’t mistake, what I am saying here, I do love him, my husband. I have worked on changing things and will continue to work on things. But there are things I need these days too. But I also want my readers to understand something, just because I am bisexual and poly does not mean I am “easy” or a “slut.” I cannot begin to tell you about the number of offers I get on yahoo or even myspace for that matter from women and men that see that and think that it means that I’m an easy target. Just last night I had to explain to this woman that although she was very nice and attractive that I wasn’t interested in driving to her house 5 hours away and “screwing” her even after she sent me pictures or her doing that with multiple other women.
When I make love with someone I want it to be because I love them. Whether that is because I am in love with them or because I have feelings of love for them. There has to be strong feelings involved for me, to get emotionally involved. When there is love involved then the passion that comes through is that much stronger for all parties involved and it is better. This is not to say that I have never been involved in something that would constitute a single night of pleasure between consenting adults, but in those cases… my husband always knew about them or was involved in some way. Even then mutual-trust was involved and respect on all sides.
Finally, I want to say this, I don’t expect that what I have given my opinion of that all of you will agree. I in fact expect that many will disagree. This is just fine. But what are you disagreeing to; the fact that you think marriage has to be what some book says it is? Or what you learned in school? What your own parents had? Please think about it. That is all I ask. And that before you start making judgments of other people just remember that I give everyone a glance into a small part of my life, I do so willingly, would you be so free with your life without the fear that someone would be there to judge You?
Links used to help write my Blog:
http://www.polyorlando.org/
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyamory
http://www.polyamory.org/
http://www.lovemore.com/index.shtm
http://www.myspace.com/twistedinstinct1
http://www.m-w.com/
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Posted by elvenbeads on 2009-08-27 20:56:57 | Rating: | Views: 117
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