| View Blog
|
|
|
|
| One side of every conversation |
Excuse me? No. I think you are mistaken. You have been misinformed. He was gone before he started. At 5 weeks when we celebrated, the light was already gone.
I did not have a miscarriage. Yes, the baby’s gone, but my body kept up hope. They call it a ‘missed miscarriage’.
It wasn’t until 12 weeks that I was told, “Your child has not grown since that first ultrasound.” No heartbeat, no little fingers and toes, no signs of life at all... Possibly lost before he was even found.
They say it was a ‘blighted ovum’. Blighted? Sounds like locusts, or fruit flies, or some other curse. No, it wasn’t like that. It just wasn’t meant to be. Not this time. Not now. Things weren’t quite perfect, so God let him go. I just didn’t get the message. My body missed the memo.
What makes me ache is the loss that I feel. I have lost my dreams for this little one. I have lost his future. I lost a past that he never even had. There were no little ears to sing to. No arms to hold, no toes to kiss and tickle. No sweet face to reflect back my love. He was gone before he started.
What hurts my body is the choice that I made. Let nature take its course? Surgical intervention? Medical assistance? These four white pills make me feel like I’m being turned inside out, torn and drawn out. It could go on for a week or more. But wait! It already has. Maybe a D&C is not as painful as I thought. At least it would be quicker and complete. Maybe this drawn-out agony is more invasive after all. Each cramp, each pain... “Is this... it?”
Thank you for your prayers and your concern. No, there’s nothing you can do. No words can take away the pain of going this alone. And I have to. Because when you need someone, when you REALLY need someone, the only guarantee is you.
|
|
Posted by elliejune on 2009-09-29 11:55:00 | Rating: | Views: 23
|
|
| |
|
|
Email This to a Friend 
