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| Waking From A Land Of Confusion |
I had forgotten that I deleted (and printed off) all my past blogs that I posted on this site. I had intended on deleting the account simply because I wanted to downsize the number of accounts I have on the internet however tonight I recall why I had created this account. I created this as a place where I could write what is going on without fear of it being connected to me. I'm a fairly private person and I keep much to myself, don't misunderstand I'm extrordinarily honest however there are details in my life I prefer keeping from even my closest friends.
At one point in time I had other accounts with this purpose and always, somehow or another, access was allowed to a friend and then it was over there was no sancuary anymore.
Lately there have been highs and lows. Life is full of them the lows allow us to appreciate the highs and the highs give us hope for the future. The core in my life is my faith in the Lord God and Emanuel. My life still suffers from the extreme duality I forced myself into. I created two lives at one point one I related to day and the other night. In the light part of me was masked and yet in the darkness part of me was lost. The two halves seemed to be unable to coexist so I seperated them. My morals and scrupals stayed by the light of day while my desires and lust took the night. Not to long ago the balance that had maintained my sanity was broken by a series of choices I made and secrets held in darkness were brought into the light and morals and scrupals invaded the dark, attepting to recapture the balance however the system once broken could never be used again. It was a fragile and delicate system. No thought or planning had went into its creation it simply came about subconsiously.
That event, I suppose I misewell admit to truth, was unplanned and caused stress. I had been in a delicate position for years questioning sexuallity however never thinking about my duality. How I lusted for men yet could only love women. The love in my heart governed by the laws of my morals while the lust remained unchecked with no real laws binding it only caution and fear. These are weak and made me more vulnerable than I knew. The lust progressed until I ended up meeting a guy in person, the rules and what was to happen was left in the air, a foolish mistake and the event led to intimacy. Intimacy in the sexual nature, with someone I barely knew. Fear, pain, doubt, confussion, guilt and shame followed the event. On the cusp of a mental and psychological break down I told one friend most of what happened. She was not my closest friend, however she was a good friend I could trust. Time passed and six months passed I got tested for what they could test for two weeks in then had to wait the six months to do the HIV test and went ahead and waited the two extra months doing the syphillis test at the same time.
Yet I was not better, but worse more lost than I had been. My desires grew stronger and I have been intimate in the same nature with three males since the first event. More lost than ever after each time I would turn to my faith only to abandon it when I needed to hold on the most. However, a far more confusing event was yet to enter my life. Two weeks after the third encounter (postdating the first experince) I met with another guy, yet details were more clear. We chated for days using texting, email, and even web camming once. I drove an hour and forty-five minutes to pick him up from work so we could hangout some.
The event, from the begining was different. For the first time I can mention my heart. I felt tenderness towards him and I still do. He was sweet and laughed easily enough. He was cute and intelligent. It was the first time that love seemed possible with another male. When I got there he had to stay a little while longer. We went to WalMart across the way and I could tell he was tired and said I could just drive him home yet he insisted I had driven all that way. The more we talked, more my heart sunk, It didn't sink until after I had dropped him off at his home, yet I realized it. He was on the rebound. He was trying to feel good again and I was hoping to feel wanted. On my drive back emptiness set in, we corresponded through texts a few more times then slowly he disappeared.
I had lost any direction I had gained. I was working with sleep deprivation, not eating much of anything, things piling up. He had been the one thing that I had looked foward to, our conversations, and everything. As his messages slowed so did mine, I didn't want to be the guy who couldn't let go though he had been special to me. We had not been sexually intimate, we hadn't even really been intellectually intimate yet he was special. Now I wonder if I should later send a message a few months down the road. Just saying hi.
At the same time I struggle with sexual idenification. Questions of morality and faith circle my head like buzzards. Perhaps this is a sign, God (for whatever reason) allowed me some freedom and a good moment now the moment's over and I need to stop dreaming and wake up.
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Posted by dughall on 2009-11-03 04:41:20 | Rating: | Views: 16
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