I think I need a little piece of sanity, cuz I keep grasping at thinning air....hard to breathe sometimes with this weight on my shoulders and no one to bring even temporary relief, aside from in thoughts. If I could just surround myself in thought forever.......I'm so very tired tonight, and tired of this soap operaish lifestyle. It will change, it will change......I shall keep telling myself such stuff and hope that I believe it if only for a while.....again with the temporary relief from stresses that might crush me if I allow them.
I could use someone, well, yeah I could, to ramble to tonight. My BFF is otherwise occupied and I'm left talking to myself, but I guess in the end it doesn't matter too greatly. No one wants to believe that I may have problems too.....so much so that I question how much I even do anymore....or do I? All I know are the feelings I have inside. I'm content with my feelings, oddly, despite the swirling thoughts that try to tempt me with suggestions that they really care.
......and do I think they still care about me? Is that what I think? Oh, the words I would say......I'd make life soup, made of tiny pasta letters that would burn, no, break a heart and it wouldn't be mine, for once. I'd send little notes filled with things, and if he only knew how much I think.......oh well, what does it matter on days like this??? I'm rambling on and on and it really is just runaway thoughts now......
Maybe this, is just another thing that won't go right for me, but yet I choose to believe that it is the only thing that has been right in a very long time. I don't care who ingnores what I say or who pretends to know what is best for me.....I don't even know what is best for me, niether do they. I just know that I want this feeling, and if it makes the world seem less painful......then so be it.
I'll embrace it all and smile at wherever it leads me. I am content of any lucid thought I've had recently.....it's not such a far away thing as I had assumed. I've more than brief moments, and I think I realize now that I wouldn't want it all to make sense.....even if it could.....
Just an rambling of jumbled thoughts......makes no sense to anyone but me.
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