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do it yourself!
Just because some people feel the need to have a huge funeral in a big parlor with lots of to-do and expense, that does not mean it is any more meaningful than something you could arrange at home. In fact, quite often, it means less. Funeral homes do not want you to know this, but (especially at the one where I was employed) the programs they have for their services are pretty cut-and-paste.
The one I worked for actually called their services “packages.”
Do you want a funeral “package”?
Of course, there are exceptions to this rule: very upscale, classy funeral homes that are willing to sit down and truly customize a funeral. But you’d better have a lot of money-- that might be better spent on the living.
Thus, here are some tips for do-it-yourself funerals. They don’t want you to know this either, but you can take care of practically every aspect of a funeral yourself. People have been doing this for hundreds of years before funeral parlors were invented and it is perfectly legal in 44 states.
When death occurs, you must notify the coroner as soon as possible. You must then obtain a death certificate from a doctor. Use this to get a burial transportation certificate from the hospital or nursing home (usually less than $5.00) so that you may transport the body where it needs to go.
Some people recommend calling a mortuary or funeral home to keep the body until it is buried, but you can preserve a body at home for up to three days (if you’re going to take longer, use a facility) by using dry ice. If you don’t embalm, you can still make your loved one look peaceful. Put coins (nickels are small but heavy, they work best) on their eyes to hold them closed, and put a towel beneath their chin to prop their mouth shut. Leave these things in place for 10 – 20 minutes.
Tip: Suits, dresses, and other clothes are not wrestled onto a body. A slit is made up the back and the sleeves/pant legs are drawn up, clothing is draped over, then the ends are tucked beneath the person’s back. They’re not going to be dancing at their own wake so it’ll be fine. As to memorial services, there are multitudes of things you can do. Chances are, if you are at all interested in holding services yourself, you have your own ideas. Once the funeral home I worked for grudgingly let a Pakistani family have a traditional Muslim service, but the funeral parlor employees put down tarp first. Ye gods. Talk about disrespect. So whatever you’d like— whatever ceremony or party or service suits you or your loved one— do it at home or in your church of choice. Preserve your dignity.
Most ministers/pastors/priests/reverends are very accommodating about this sort of thing and should be willing to officiate even if you do not hold the service in church, provided you are considerate and give them enough notice.
Cemeteries require that all burial paperwork be submitted 48 hours prior to the event, so make sure to get everything taken care of as soon as possible after the death so that you will not be turned away just because you forgot to fill out a form. The place I worked for used to do just that, it was such a f*ing joke. Check with the cemetery to see what forms they require. Cemeteries are not standardized. Trust me, each one has its own archaic system.
For burial, cremation is much more practical than a coffin. While both embalming and cremation must be done by funeral homes, cremation is less expensive. Also, there are very few commercial coffin-makers that are willing to sell to the general public (as opposed to selling to funeral homes, who mark them up six ways to Sunday.) You might consider a homemade coffin, but the regulations for coffins are set by the US government and are very strict. There is good reason for this. Human bodies, even when embalmed, decay. As they do, they release toxic gases that pollute the ground. Thus it is important to the government that you get a coffin that could practically be blasted into the atmosphere.
Note: most rural cemeteries do not require such regulations. For these, you can use a homemade wooden box or cloth shroud and even dig your own grave there. Of course, you will have to check with the cemetery. One that I know of had a white dog named Ghost that roamed around at night so it doesn't pay to sneak in. Obviously it does pay to make these arrangements beforehand, because if you don’t, it will be nearly impossible to get all this done in three days… in my home state of New Jersey it is very hard to find a rural cemetery. Also, you and your family do not need the stress of running around and making phone calls when trying to remember your loved one.
Regulations are much less strict about cremated remains (“cremains” in cemetery lingo), even in metropolitan cemeteries. Contrary to what funeral homes would have you believe, you do not have to buy one of their expensive urns. Ashes do not release contaminants and may be buried in any container as long as it has a lid that can be sealed. You could place your loved one’s remains in their favorite teapot, if it were big enough and you sealed the spout and lid. Wouldn’t you much rather be placed in a meaningful container? Of course, you will want to check with the cremation facility to find out how big the container must be to hold ashes, and check with the cemetery to see how small it must be to fit in a cremation space, unless you plan to scatter the ashes.
Scattering is easier than burial, most of the time. In Washington State you do not even need a permit to scatter ashes in a river. In most states you need a permit to scatter in bodies of water such as lakes and oceans, and a permit to scatter in national or state parks, but this should not be a problem if you do the work ahead of time.
Don't wait until you're dead because it is very hard to make arrangements from the afterlife. I should know.
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