So i decided to start one of these online journal things so I could look back on stuff and laugh or think "wow I'm an ass".
Anyways I guess I will just ramble on about everything thats been happening and hope to god that someone out there is like me and has something along the lines of  what I have.
I don't really know what I have I'm just confused.
Anyway...

Today started off pretty good I guess. Just the usual not wanting to get out of bed. Wishing Alexander was by my side.
But anyway I got up. Had milo. That sure was the highlight of my hour. Yeah. Mum drove to school. Normal convos about moving house. Dropped us off to school.
Soon as I get there " Lacy can you give me a lift to the races!?" Cassie asks. Yep it's always me taking people places. Another park of my "I always give but get fuck all in return".
I just said yeah I guess and left it at that. Ummm school was normal. Then at recess Jamie and Abbie had a fight. Quite good. Pretty entertaining. Yeah. Jamie stormed off. Then I went to vet.
Fucking waste of time. Did tests ect. Ummm went to the new house. Not very new haha. Anyways...unpacked things. Picked Bronte (my sister) up from her friends house who's father died when he was 18.
Yeah hard to get? I know. Got home. Drove to Hastings! YAY! Yeah I can drive now. On a real road. Went to the English people's house. Boring. Drove home. Mum and Dad were fighting so it was hard to concerntrate.
Got home did heaps of homework. Promised myself I would wait for Alexander to call me but he forgot again. As usual. So I txt him. He called me. I yelled 'coz he forgot. I always yelled 'coz he never sends back to my txts.
He's my boyfriend, shouldn't he remember that I'm here when I'm not with him? It only feels like we are together when we are actually with each other. Hmmm. I dunno. He then says " I don't call you 'coz you always get angry!" WTF!? I'm angry
'coz you never call me or when you say your gonna' I'm always waiting for you to fucking call. Grrr. Sick of it. So anyways I hung up and he never called back. Yep. So I went and did the stupid thing and called him back
asked why he didnt call me back and then got more angry. He then had to go 'coz his grandma said so. mmm. Yeah so I sent him a message saying that I'm going to change all this stuff about me for example; Not noticing little details, not get jelous, not call him, not get worried, not get angry, not yell, not express my feelings ect. Hopefully this will let him know that if he wants our relationship to work then he is going to have to listen to me and care about me once in a while. If only I started this months ago. I would have a list of how many things he said he was going to do and didn't. How many promises he made and broke and how many times I got ditched for skateboarding.
Well from now on I will see.
Soooo. Friday night I will be going to a party with all Alexanders friends. Including the famous...EMMA LEE. Wonder if something will happen. Most likley I will get ditched for her and be stuck there with other people. But thats where I have to change he says. Stop thinking about the worst thing that could happen. Is it my fault that the worst always happens? or am I jsut used to it now? It could be a good thing? I don't know. I will just have to find out.
I find it weird how boys don't seem to care about other peoples feelings. I though alexander was different. But now I kinda realise he's not. I have to face that he is selfish and that I give up anything and everything for him. For example; when I get invited out I say no 'coz I have plans with him. Where is he dosen't. I also pay for the things he wants when he dosent have money. He never buys me anything. Or never offers too.

I also saw a little kid today. Made me wonder how much I want kids. And with Alexander too. mmm I'm scared to tell him this feeling incase he gets freaked out. Just like how now I'm scared to ever call or txt him 'coz I feel like I'm stalking him. I never used to want kids. But now I want a family. I want to marry Alexander and have a life. Not now of course. In a few years time.

Hmmmm.

That's enough for today.

Kitch.