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I'm extremely depressed and have been off and on for days. For me it's extreme, because I don't want to go out with friends, or do anything. Today I just want to lay around and stay at the ceiling, or sleep. Over the weekend, all I wanted to do was play Sims2 and that to excess, so that I did not sleep for a total of over almost 30 hours. It takes me away from the horror of what happened and helpes me to forget enough... or at least numb me enough that I don't feel as bad, and even feel a little happy. But I'm not. I'm reading this stuff about cults and I'm realizing what it all was and it is so incredibly painful... the whole fucking deal... that I just don't want to face the horror of it and I don't know how to share what I am feeling, because there is so much and I am confused. So I am journalling and trying to figure out just what this is all about. I don't think it was a cult in the traditional sense, but I think that they did use cult like tactics to remake me and others, and that when we questioned, or revealed to outside sources, they made little efforts to cut us off and punish us in little and big ways, so that we would potentially become more loyal, or break off completely, or even to stop questioning. Certain of us, who were part of the core group, continued to question, even after being punished. While some of us became more loyal and tried not to question, even when the questions came up. I was the last of this group. And yet I was continually punished, regardless. I was made to feel as if I was a horrid person. And when I did try to break away, he would become almost insanely jealous and make me to feel as if I was horrid for wanting him with me in a physical manner, because the lives of many were at stake if we were supposedly to be together. I began to break away... I absorbed it all, but the absorbtion, of how horrible he said I was in my past life was so horrendously and psychologically disturbing and horrifying in many ways that I broke down and couldn't handle work... I couldn't handle life... my home life was difficult and disturbing as well in many ways, but nowhere near as bad as what I experienced with him. And yet the therapist I saw and told about all that was happening... the past life experiences and such, did not focus on that, but focused on other things. Even my ex-husband said that I was bi-polar and szchizophrenic, when in actuality I was experiencing the mind numbing effects of mind control from a cult leader, who was never a named cult or religion, but still used cult tactics in what I can only say now was recruitment. I don't know what else to call it, really. But one of those who got out early said, "You are preaching to the choir." when I told him that it was a cult and I wonder how I could not see it until it was pointed out to me. It wasn't a direct religious thing, though religion was involved, and it was all online, though I did see him in person, once, as if to cement the reality that he was a living breathing person and he did look as he appeared to look. And yet... I just don't understand much of it... There is so much I can't see. My mind boggles when I try to understand why they would do such things. He is a fucking maglomaniac! Always wanted constant attention and the like and pouted if he could not get it. Or he used various methods of attacking, if he did not get it. I think that after awhile, he knew that I was not going to be the perfect recruit for him, so he separated himself from me, his little minions helped by saying that he was dead, and then he disappeared for a long while. Then, he chose another to be his 'mate', instead of me, after all she was completely loyal and did not question; and in fact was even so chummy with one of the other higher ups, that they got together physically, and apparently he played some mind trick on her, so that she either believes that she fucked him physically, or he fucked her physically and she is just not certain that it happened. But she is so insanely loyal, that she went up to Canada, on her own money, to destroy the writings of one of the others, who was lucky enough to get out, because apparently the writings were destroying them. After he tried to cut me off once again, by saying that he could not be with me, I persisted, because it hurt so very much to be cut off from him, he decided that he wanted me after all. And the same happened again after I learned about her, which to me was the ultimate betrayal, because she was the perfect candidate for his manipulations and I was not, therefore I felt as if I was not good enough and so I felt insanely betrayed. I'm really seeing it now. I'm hurting so much and the more I see it the more it hurts.
The hardest part I think about this post-cult experience is that I am not only confused, but I absolutely question everything. I can't help but wonder who else will hurt me and attack me and what groups I may get involved with that might try to manipulate me. I don't trust, at all, and that lack of trust is keeping me in my home. But better to venture out and do things with people in person, than to do things online only. Of course I did do things with people... every once in awhile... taking trips to visit some of the higher ups, such as the one who was chosen as his mate in the end. And I had others visit me. So it wasn't all online. But the majority of it was. The leader was and some of the other higher ups were, and about the only one for me who wasn't, was the one who is now a higher up. She is part of the core group, because she turned out to be the perfect candidate, I suppose. My only guess is that she did not question and believed it to be real and true. And yet I can't help but wonder how much she must've revealed about herself that they used to weave and mold into their little stories of what is and what isn't, just as they did with me and others who are now out of the loop. I can now say that I am beginning to feel very thankful that I am out of the loop. And yet at the same time, it still hurts a lot to know that I was not good enough to be part of that. But... I hurt people when I was part of it... people who didn't deserve it and now that I see and know better, I am very thankful... very thankful, indeed.
Now, I need to concentrate on releasing and throwing out, throwing up... all those attached feelings that I still have, that lurk inside of me... the hope that he will still come around, that maybe I will be good enough, as they said that I was being prepared to become good enough... the hope that still sits there... that maybe it's all true, regardless of everything I know to be contrary to the truth... and that maybe some day I will be with him, after all. Because nobody ever showed me as much love and affection as he did. And his was false and manipulative and I think... that this is what hurts the most... because the one person and group to show so much love, was also the one person and group to show so much pain and abuse. And so now I wonder and doubt that I will ever find so much love again and if it ever exists, because I suspect that it can only exist when those showing it intend to manipulate and control the persons that they show it to. Love... it seems to me, is the slow burning pleasure of long term friends who do not ask anything of you, but that you share your time with them, some times. Whereas what they showed me was passionate and volatile and destructive. That's what he is, chaos in a body... How is it that someone so attractive and who looks so beautiful and exotic feels that he needs to have those around him practically worship him in order to be happy?
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Posted by dontalktome on 2008-01-21 13:39:06 | Rating: | Views: 44
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