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So last night, i found a little crumpled up piece of paper on my computer desk. It had the words "xxxdesert famous porn star movies" scribbled on it in my boyfriends handwriting. My first thoughts.... What the fuck?!? Why is this on my desk? When did he write it? How many times had he gone to the site?
So i confronted him about it. Not in a bitchy way, just simply held it up to him and asked him what it was. First, He pretended not to remember when he wrote it... then after he saw i wasnt believing him, he said he wrote it back when he wasnt living with me..... and then he admitted to looking at just recently while I was out of town, only a month or so ago.
Ouch.
He said sorry, told me that i deserved better, and i could tell he was really being sincere. The only thing he didnt tell me was WHY. And thats one thing in didnt ask him. I was afraid to hear the answer. I was afraid to hear that he wasnt happy enough with me so he needed to look at prettier, skinnier, more beautiful girls on the side.....
I know he loves me, and i love him with all my heart and more. But now i cant help but question him in my mind when he tells me i am beautiful or that i am pretty or whatever. How can i really believe him when he is still out there looking for prettier girls?
I guess i had better take a few leaps backwards and explain to you WHY this one little piece of paper is buggin me sooo much.....
My boyfriend and i have been happily involved since january of 2008. But after about 2 months in, i found a little.... "letter"... he had wrote to himself while he was in an english class at college. it had a few things in it, but only one about me.
It said:
"Life's getting a little better. Kaleigh is in my life now. Bodywise, she is not what i am really looking for, but her personality is fantastic. She is easy going, fun loving...."
So even when we met, he didnt think i was pretty enough and he didnt like how i looked. So why would he change his mind now? I have seen his ex-girlfriends, they are all skinny and pretty and nothing like me. Infact, He is attracted to brunettes and I am the first natural blonde he has dated. So why me? I mean, personality can only go so far. Eventaully, he is gonna get bored, and when that happens, i wont have anything else to keep him with me.
If the day ever comes where he leaves me for another, I hope I have the courage to ask, was i ever pretty enough?
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Posted by dodgegrrl_17 on 2008-06-18 01:48:48 | Rating: | Views: 113
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