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| What the Hell Happened to Me?
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I was raised a Christian, and for 22 long years I bought it. Until about a month ago. I started studying comparative religions and I came to the conclusion that God did not make man, but man made God. The change was very dramatic because I was not just an “average” Christian—I was really devout. I attended a prominent evangelical university and went on several missions trips, and actually led a trip at the end of my collegiate career.
But after college, I came crashing into reality really wet behind the ears. I didn't realize how hard life was going to be, I don't think. Financially I was actually doing alright for my first year out of college, earning a $60,000 salary. But I found it difficult to maintain my Christianity without the support system of strong relationships that had been present most of my life. I was in a relationship with a Christian girl for about 6 months, and she was really great, but just not great for me. I have this problem where I'm too damned smart and I end up not being able to relate to the girls I date, and eventually I just get bored. That's what happened with her. Also, we were so silly looking back—as a Christian you believe that premarital sex is a huge sin, so we didn't have sexual “intercourse”—but we had oral sex. I felt immense guilt from this. For those two reasons, boredom and guilt, I left her; probably with regrets. After I broke up with her, I started to get more and more isolated. The one thing that has always provided me with joy in life is swing dancing, and weirdly enough I am really good at it. But as I became more and more depressed I started dancing much less (you get antisocial). I managed to date another Christian girl for a month, but by this time I was just way too depressed for a relationship. Also, through the second relationship and right after the first, I turned to pornography to fill the void, which just made things worse because it really doesn't fill anything and I had huge guilt issues with it.
As to my job, I was extremely bored. At first sales was fun, but it just couldn't keep me occupied. In addition to boredom, my depression started to affect my job performance. I would work so hard to set appointments (going business to business knocking on doors, collecting business cards and trying to set appointments with the owners—30-50 businesses a day), but I wouldn't go to the appointments I did set because I felt antisocial. Sales is of course all about your numbers, and as my performance started to lag, my numbers began to drop. Eventually I was fired.
At the same time, I had decided to study world religions. I really think most of my motivation was just that I hadn't done anything scholarly since college and I really enjoy that sort of stuff. So I started studying world religions and I began to have serious doubts about the existence of God and the veracity of the Christian religion. I had certain experiences I always attributed to Him, but I came to believe it was probably just my mind messing with me. This whole atheist thing culminated the same week that I was fired. And of course as a consequence of being fired, a really large portion of my social circle was nixed as well. If that doesn't depress someone, I don't know what would.
So, here I am. It has been 19 days since I've been fired, and I have yet to unpack my personal belongings from my car I packed up that day. I managed to ink a freelance programming deal (I used to do that), but I haven't even started the project and it's been over two weeks since I closed the deal. I could apply for unemployment but I haven't managed to motivate myself to do that, either. In fact, I really can't motivate myself to do jack shit. Most days I read books, write, or watch tv. Fortunately tomorrow I have a job interview; I did manage to send out one resume and they called me back.
Being an atheist has left me with no sense of purpose. I mean, I tell people that it's very empowering and whatever, but the truth is I feel so robbed. When I was a Christian at least I had a purpose in life and someone was up there looking out for me. At least I was going to end up in a good place. But now I don't even think there is a God, which means this life is my one shot, and boy am I fucking it up.
I know if I continue on this trend I'm going to end up institutionalized or in jail, and weirdly that doesn't even motivate me to care. I just sit here in front of the computer and listen to “Angel” by Sara McLachlin and “Hallelujah” by Jeff Buckley and other sad-as-shit songs. Occasionally I get drunk to forget the pain, though of course it's always alone.
Aloneness. That is something I have become so acquainted with recently. Holed up in my apartment for the last three weeks, I've really probably only seen the sun once. I go dancing every Friday and I put on a show... people are probably encouraged by me, for God's sakes, but the truth is it's a goddamned show. I am a damned good actor. I won actor of the year in High School, lol. But anyways, I was listening to a philosopher the other day and he was talking about his baby daughter and how when, after he had been away for about a month, he came back and when he walked in the door, he locked eyes with her and at first she didn't recognize him, but after she did, she got out of her little walker as quick as she could and to the best of her ability, made her way towards him. He scooped her up into his arms, and he said she nestled on his shoulder for about a solid minute. He said that in that moment as he cradled her, he learned more about the meaning of life than all of the books he had ever read. I just cried when I heard that, because I want to have that kind of meaning in my life. I want to give my love to a wife and start a family.
But I'm scared I will never get there. I have this damned depressive tendency and I don't know if I'll ever get better. I always liked those movies like “A beautiful mind” where there was this smart dude who no one really got and was sort of crazy because I could identify with that. I don't think I'm as smart as Russel Crowe's character, but I think I'm pretty damned smart and I can see that crazy streak in me.
I am just scared. Scared that I'll never find love again. Scared that I won't be sane again. Scared that my life will amount to nothing. Scared of myself.
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| Blog Comments
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My friend God is not what you read in a book but what you feel in your heart. Please don't give up. I'm not a zealot believe me, but I know I feel the Lord in my life. Life will never be easy but if you ask Him for opportunities, He will deliver them. Then it's up to you.
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Posted by HungryHeart
on 2007-11-08 23:49:46
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Not knowing if you have already or not, I would suggest counseling. I think it might help you with your feelings of depression. I also feel that this would be beneficial before making any major decisions about your life. I also feel that if you like the "scholarly" life it might be good to continue your education and find something that stimulates you and will prevent a challenge of some kind. Being bored all the time does not help if you are depressed. Keep going to your friday night dances and I know you are disillusioned with religion at the moment but in your post you mention that you found it hard to maintain your christianity because you did not have the strong relationships around you that you did while growing up; maybe it would be helpful to form some strong bonds of your own in a church setting of some kind. I too am a "doubting thomas" but I do not let my doubts prevent me from doing to church occasionally and enjoying the company of my friends. They know how I feel and do not become enraged or take it personally. I love to read and have come across books that claim jesus was glorified to make him more "god-like" to pagans whom the church wanted to convert. Making him god-like made him seem more like their own gods. Anyway...I'm tired and probably should not have replied to your post. :) I hope you went to the interview and obtained the position as as result of going to the interview. Don't give up on yourself. I believe in reading, but please don't let the books you have read make you feel as if you have been betrayed. I am sure your family had the best of intentions and firmly believe in the church and the teachings. On a positive note, the teachings are GOOD no matter whether you are christian or not. Night, have a wonderful thanksgiving holiday.
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Posted by CountryRoads
on 2007-11-21 15:38:05
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| Views: 157
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