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I am a 47 yr old GWM, I work in a dead end job, I make ok money, I never go out, I have no close friends, I have not dated at all in the past five yrs, and I realy miss the close personal connection, not just sex, but the bonds that you develop with friends, although I do have some social aquaintants at work, non can be considered real friends, and even though I have been in love before, I cant really say that i have ever really been loved.
My last relationship ended when my partner passed away after a long bout with Aids, and even though I am HIV-, I have not ventured out into the dating scene since,He was not my first, but wh had been together for about seven yrs, and he was more a friend then a lover, but I miss him more then I can say, ever since has death, I have completely closed myself off from the posibility of finding love, as I said before, I have loved, but never have I felt that anyone has really loved me, I know they cared for me, but I thought that al least once in my life I would find that special someone who would place me first and give as I have given to them.
For yrs i was very heavy, and I knew that I stayed that way to avoid the rejection that all to often happens when your not the young and beautiful guy that seems to be all that the guys seem to want, in the local bar seen, and to be truely honest, I dont really like the bar scene anyway.
If one can live this long without finding true love, really, what is the point, every day I try to find a reason to go on, but it gets harder every day, recently I had gastric bypass, and have lost 140lbs in the last 4 months, but I still can get past the fact that I feel fat and undisirable, I absolutely want to change the direction that my life has taken thus far, but am so afraid that the harsh rejection that I expect woudl be the last straw, even though I am a Baptist or at least was raised as one, I have often considered ending it all, but I just couldnt do that to my mother, but she is now 69, and in poor health, and even though I want her to live for much longer, I feel horribly guilty for thinking that if she were to pass, then there would be no reason to continue in a life that has been truely a waste of time, for I dont feel that I have contributed anything to anybody, and I dont know how much longer I can live a life without love, it just doesnt feel natural, and i always thought that there was supose to be someone out there for everyone, and I can be that single old man that no one really knows and no one would miss if I werent here anymore, I want this to change, but I dont see it happening, My life has truely been a waste of time, just writing about it hurts to do, but I have no one to talk about it with, so I thought that this woudl help, only time will tell.
More to follow
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Posted by dharvey on 2008-01-15 01:34:01 | Rating: | Views: 21
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Hello, first I would like to say it is very unfortunate that feel the way you do. You probably feel like you are the only one on earth that feels this way, but believe it or not many others do feel the same, regardless if it is for the same reason or not. That does not mean that there is not a solution or that it is the end of the world. First, you must find happiness within yourself. As it will be hard to do this, you can not do it alone. You must call on God to help you accept what is and pray that your situation changes. Just because you are HIV positive does not mean you can not lead a happy and healthy life. There are several natural resources to help you with this disease. If you search out natural cures on google you can find some pretty good resources on alternatives to curing diseases. Also, before you began looking for someone to love you, again you must love yourself. If you choose not to let others into your life, than no relationship will ever flourish. Being friends with someone does not mean you have to start by saying you are HIV. If you continue to allow that one minor thing control your life you will never find happiness. I hope my thoughts have been helpful. Prayer works. God bless.
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Posted by njpaige21
on 2008-01-15 12:19:52
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