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What Has Been

It has been two or so months since I discovered the lie buried deep within. Since then, rejection has been revealed to be protection and I have seen my share of flirts on-line. I have dabbled in personal sites and the like and have found that, as one might surely guess, there is no match to be made there for one like me.

One would say I’m picky. I am relieved to be labelled so. This is the most important decision of my life, secondary only to serving Jesus Christ. The fact that marriage is His will for my life makes it even more vital. How am I supposed to make the right choice? By letting Him make it for me.

So, I’m lonely. I won’t deny that. I, too, long to be courted and to feel desired. I won’t lie anymore about that. This fact has made the rejection of late, the ignoring of men to look at the far more desirable, a lot harder to take. This I too shall admit. It was only recently that God showed me the truth. That I wasn’t rejected, I was protected. The reason men don’t fall at my feet has little to do with my looks and a lot to do with God, His protection and will making me off limits to most.

Sadly, sometimes I succumb to the desire to be in a relationship. It is in those times that I turn to the sites rather than to my Beloved and I find no satisfaction there. The prospect of actually meeting one of these flirting men frightens me even as it excites me. I don’t know why this is…it just is. The prospect of being kissed by a man thrills me even as I know that that intimacy should only be shared on the wedding day. I don’t want it cheaply.

That’s the simple fact, I guess. I don’t want it cheaply. I don’t want romance that doesn’t cost me anything. And by this I don’t mean my virginity or my morals. I want the lasting romance, the one that begins and flourishes, becomes deeper still after ‘I Do’ is said. I want the one that I kiss and that pursues me to be the one, the only one. And God is responsible for this.

Pastor has spoken on reaping and sowing. He says to sow into the area where you have the most need. I asked a friend, “How do you sow into a man?” I knew that flirting and the like wasn’t the answer. I had thought it in my head, of course, before asking a friend and God’s answer was quick and clear.

“Sow into Me.”

Of course. If I want God to bring me a man after His own heart, shouldn’t I be a woman after His own heart? Shouldn’t I be seeking the One that satisfies every need and desire in my heart? Shouldn’t I be seeking the One that knows every little dark and light thing about me, all the good and bad, and loves me anyway? Shouldn’t I be seeking the One who has sought me all these years and kept me as He has?

When I got off the path of being His beloved in every way I don’t know. But I want to be that. I do. I want to be His completely and be satisfied in Him, waiting for His plan, trusting in His timing and His will. He never lies and He has promised me that He would bring the man to me. I won’t have been cheapened by dating and partner hopping, I won’t have STD’s or fears of them, I won’t have children from different fathers. I will have things to deal with from my past, as we all do, but I won’t have added baggage to the already oversize load.