Thoughts.com Blogs - Three Monthes.

Today is the three month anniversary of the day I almost fell in love. He was my best friend's ex-boyfriend of less than a week and my best friend. He told the ex girlfriend he liked me three monthes ago today.

I really could of loved him. I could of. But I didn't. It wasn't the right time or place. It was too soon and unexpected. Sure I did like him alot. I never loved him, but we weren't happy together. Part of me knows he wished we could of worked out and part of me knows the whole thing was fake.

I was heartbroken when our thing ended. But I never really cried for him. I guess I never gave up hope we'd be together. Then at the wedding I realized he wasn't my true love. That we weren't perfect for each other. And most of the reason I thought I loved him was because of the hope of love he promised not himself. I wanted a perfect relationship so bad I held on to him for dear life. Held on to the knoweledge I might be happy, that fairytales do exist.

And maybe they do, but this one didn't end with a happy ending.

He's going with some other girl to the dance. I say it doesn't bother me but it does. I don't know what I feel for him, part of it being he's my bestfriend and I get confused feelings about male best friends. I confuse comforting friendly love with passionate love. And that gets me in trouble.

I don't know which he is or was. I don't know what I want from him. I like someone new and stuff and sometimes I think I moved on. Other times I wonder if I'm just kidding myself with the whole "I loved the hope not him" thing, and I really do love him. I just don't want to admit I got my heartbroken. That my first love ended so quickly and the perfectness I imagined just didn't seem to come true. That maybe my first love sucked.

I love the way his arms feel around me. The way I can talk to him about things I can't with anyone else. The way his eyes soften when we talk when we liked each other. The sweatshirts he wears and how they fit on me. That he can make me laugh. That I trust him completely. How sweet he is.

But I hate how he can be a jerk and cold. And how when he's in a bad mood he won't let me in. How no matter how much I pretend for some reason I can't be fully happy with him. I am sometimes and others I'm just like what am I doing? Honestly I have no idea. How he can't really comfort me like some boys can. How he yelled at my best friend to shut up. How he might still love my best friend and how his first love wasn't me. How he never let me all the way in because he was afraid of getting hurt. How he didn't call and tell me he kissed my best friend when we were "together." How I forgave him and the thing ended and he didn't ever act any different. How he never shares his feelings.

Most of all I hate how he likes the new girl and I still like him. Alot.

But I won't admit it to anyone. Because honestly what's the point? I'm the flirt happy-go-luckey girl in school. I always smile. Being a heartbroken lovesick teenager doesn't fit my image. I can't let anyone know he hurt me. I have to be unconquerable and pretend nothing will ever hurt me. Because no one gets to see me broken.

I don't why I feel like I always have to be strong and never cry. How people can never know they hurt me. Something made me realize that crying doesn't make you seem real it makes you seem pathetic. I will never be pathetic enough to admit I'm broken, and let you know you hurt me. Ever.

So for him, if you ever read this know:

You did hurt me okay? I did cry for you. I did fall for you. I love talking to you on the phone more than anything even shopping. You make me feel cute and confident. When your arms around me my stomach tingles and I feel happy.You're the one guy I could ever see myself with for longer than two weeks. I would give up flirting for you. I really would. I hate when we talk on the phone and you say nothing and it's awkward. I hate how you asked her to the dance instead of me. I hate how we're nothing to each other and how your ex thinks you were pretending with me. I hate how I'll never know if you used me to make her jealous and if what we had was fake.

I hate that I don't have the courage to tell you any of this.
That maybe me holding back my feelings was the reason for this.
That maybe I was too high and mighty pretending to be strong and like I could live without you, you thought I actually could.
And by flirting with other guys to make you jealous, you thought I liked them when really I liked you.
That you could of been the one and after saying I'd fight for you -
I never did.

I've been blaming you. But what if us was my fault? That if I had really put my heart on the line and told you how I felt we would of been something. That if you had known what I needed you to know and answered the questions I was too afraid to ask we could of gone out. We could of been happy.

But maybe it was all just a lie?
For some reason I can't believe that.
The look in your eyes convinced me you cared.
But that look is gone.
Reserved for her.
But can I fix it?
Do I have enough guts?

I don't. So I'm gonna wait for you. I will date other people. I will flirt. But you'll be in the back of my mind. I refuse to let go of you. I need to know that we won't work as a couple before I fully move on. I need to know how you felt. What could of been. Then maybe I'll move on.

But maybe I won't.