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Out of sight, out of mind.....

Well, that's how it appears to be anyway. I have been in Thailand for two and a bit weeks now, in someways it feels much longer, and in others only a tenth of that time!! But, that is how long it has been.

And, that is how long it has been since I heard from the man who professed to loving me, wanting to spend the rest of his life with me, who made me promise that we would speak everyday, that we would meet up as often as we could until we could be together again.

Now, I took all that he said with one BIG pinch of salt. I mean, loving and trusting people isn't one of my strong points anyway. I can't help but believe that to fall in love is to get hurt, so I just don't do it. I haven't let myself fall in love since my first love, 6 years ago.

I've had flings, one night stands, even a couple of destructive relationships. But I have never loved, I have never wanted to love.

Then, I accidentially, unintentionally found him. Well, I didn't find him as such, my best friend, and honoury big brother opened a new bar, and this guy is his business partner. So, as I spent time at my bro's bar, I got to know this guy.

I'm a girl who gets on with guys really well, without an ulteria motive. So no one bats an eye as me and this guy spend more and more time chatting and joking and having a good time. I don't even notice, but I'm sure he did. Anyway, one night, we are all out after they have finished work, and he tells me he's been dreaming of kissing me. After a few beers, I was happy to oblidge, why not? He's a lovely, funny and attractive guy. And, its only a bloody kiss.

Although, from there on in, it was never going to be just a kiss, we had a spark, I felt differently about him than I had anyone in a longtime. When our eyes met, it was like we could see into eachothers souls, when he spoke it made sense, he made me laugh, he listened and he understood. i told him more about me than I've told anyone. I trusted him. It was good. Really good.

But it wasn't. Not really. Because I was leaving. I had already accepted a job in Thailand for just under two months down the line. Yes, I could have told them I'd changed my mind. But that would have meant admitting to him, and even admitting to myself how I felt, and there was no way I was going to do that.

So, I explained to him I was leaving, 100%, I had to go. It was up to him if he wanted a few weeks together and then I would go, or if he wanted to finish it before we started.

He tells me he can't live without me, gets upset, but says he would rather have a few weeks than nothing. I agree, but make him promise that we are gonna have fun, nothing too serious, and no obsessing over the fact I was going.

And we did have a great time, really great time. It felt so good to have someone who cared again. To have someone waiting for me when I got home from work, to have someone to wake up next to in a morning, to cuddle up to when I was feeling lonely, to laugh with, to share funny stories about my day, to go places and see things with, just to be with, completely. It was an amazing thing. A turning point in my life.

But it had to end. We knew that. I had a couple of days left, and he asked if I would keep in touch when I was away. I said I would, as friends. He said what if e were to come out here for a month in June, would it be just as friends? I said no, if he was here with me, it would be as my man. So, we made an agreement that we would stay together until June, have a month togethr, and then see what would happen.

My last night he was a complete mess, it broke my heart to see him so upset, I did even think about not getting on the plane, but I knew that was crazy. To try and stop his tears, I promised we would talk everyday, text lots, that no I wouldn't forget him, no I wouldn't find a guy when I got here, that yes, he could come and see me in June.

Now, I'm not stupid. This guy owns a bar in the most touristy street in the whole of India, where a hell of a lot of young British (mainly) woman go on two week holidays to get pissed and laid. Where the Goan guys have a massive reputation of being easy and renowed for their 'two week girlfriends' and not being able to keep their dicks in their pants.

I've lived there long enough to see all of this first hand again and again and again. I was NOT gonna be one of those stupid girls who thought she had found the love of her life, to trust him as I boarded a plane out of their and believe that I really was the love of his life.

While I was in Delhi, I was there a week sorting out visas, he was in touch all the time, blah blah blah. I did look forward to his calls, reread his messages, I felt loved it was nice. But I still wasnt stupid.

There are many reasons I dont believe we could have a long distance relationship;

1, I don't fully trust him to be faithful while I'm away

2, I have no idea when/if I'll be back in India, and an indeffinate long distance relationship is just stupid. Even though we have had tons of fun together, my feelings for him aren't strong enough to change my plans for him, now or in the future.

3, The way he's made me feel, and the relationship we have had has shown me that maybe I really am ready to love again. This is an exciting finding. I have dreamed about falling in love again, and now maybe I can make that a reality. And, if I can, I want it to be with a guy I can see everyday, who I can share my life with, not with one on the other end of the phone, who I might get to see twice a year.

4, His mother is desperate for him to marry and have a family. She is very traditional and I know that soon he will be being pressured into an arranged marriage, something I couldn't and wouldn't want to stand in the way of. And I couldn't be in his life when he met his wife, that wouldn't be fair on anyone.

So, anyway, I am realistic. I will always think of him and smile, and be thankful for what we had, but I know that it isn't going anywhere. This is why he is the one in tears I am holding it all together.

Back to the story. I fly out of Delhi to Bangkok, arrive, and as promised on my first day here I get my Thai sim card and text him the number. On that day he miss calls me on my new number. But, that is the only contact I have had from him. The only sign that he is still alive. Other than one missed call more than two weeks ago, I have heard nohing. I have text a few times, the last one a couple of nights ago telling him it would be the last one I sent.

I just don't get it. Why do all the tears and upset and I can't live without you, I will come see you, i need to hear your voice everyday, and then NOTHING?

I'm not asking this because I want him in my life. I honestly see it as a blessing in disguise, i went along with all his requests of us being in touch and meeting up and stuff before I left to try and stop him being so upset.

A clean slate knowing that my heart is ready to let someone in is a good thing for me.

But bloody hell, why are men so confusing?!!

Why blatently lie about his intentions? ARRRGHH

Makes no sense, a lot like this post.........

Posted by deepintought on 2008-05-18 02:06:31 | Rating: