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I jumped right in here yesterday with some random thoughts about my here and now, but I'll make a brief entry to let anyone who might end up reading my blog know a little more about me. I'm not going to bore you with all the detials becuase for one i'd send you to sleep, and two, I want this blog to be anonomous, so the more I say, the more tracable i'll be. It's not that I've got anything to hide, but sometimes the truth is easier to admit when your not admitting to anyone whos judgement of it will imprint on your life......
I was born in 1985 in North Yorkshire, UK. Lived in the same small rural town from birth until 18. Went to both primary and secondary school in town. My secondary school was an all girls' grammar school, when I was there I hated the teaching techniques, philosophy and general backward narrow minded views of the place, but on the whole had a 'fun' seven years thanks to a great bunch of friends and the challenge of rebelling against authority and rules.
My childhood was pretty uneventful and happy until I was around 15. I was a lucky kid, loving parents, only child, good friends, safe neighbourhood, foreign holidays, great grandparents, the works. My parents did push me to do well at school, but also offered a ton of support with both acedemic and exdtra curricular activities. I was brought up to appriciate the value of money, and had weekend jobs from the age of 13. i was also brought up to understand the difference between right and wrong, good and bad and to show respect to other people and other things. I had an almost fearful respect of my parents, I was very aware of what they expected of me, and worked hard to either achieve that, or appear to be achieving it.
When I reached fifteen, I had a wobble off the rails, as I think a lot of us do around that age, or now it seems much younger. I fell in love with an guy. Perhaps I still love him, perhaps thats still my problem. Im not so sure. I don't talk about him anymore, I don't even really think about him much now, come on its been 6 years. Six years since he killed himself. Six years since my life changed forever. I blamed myself, I don't think I do now. Maybe if I'd done somethings differently, he wouldn't be dead, perhaps he would. That I'll never know. But what I do know is if that day had been different, my life aould have taken a completely different path. Whether it would have been better or worse I'll never know.
Life moved on, life went a bit crazy. You could say I lived two lives for a while. The good school girl working hard to do her A-levels and the not so good girl involved with the wrong people punishing herself for the death of her soulmate and trying to make things right, but getting it all really wrong.
So, I was in a bad place, only I was hiding from the people that loved me, and doing a good job of it. I think it was here I learnt to keep a lot to myself, something I've never really got out of since. Something which hopefully this blog will help me with, getting how I really feel about things out of my head and onto this blog will be a start.
I had to get away, so moving to uni was the best thing that could happen. Although 100miles really wasnt far enough. I enjoyed year one of a student, but I probably partied a little too hard, did things that I wouldnt have done if I cared, but at some point I had stopped caring about myself. The 'bad' side of my life from home followed me up to uni too. So, for the first year I managed to be the big loud, overly happy person that I had invented to hide what I was really feeling. distanced myself from the people who knew the real me, so that I wouldn't be found out. It worked, for a time.
Second year of uni, I fell apart. I locked myself away from teh world pretty much, well no, I spent all day in my room, in bed, not real sleeping, just laying in the dark, and thinking damaging thoughts. Either that or working, work was the only thing that got me out of the bed in the daytime, I didn't go to uni at all. Every evening I would go to the pub. I drank a lot, too much. Most students drink, but this was different, I wasn't drinking as part of having a good time. I was drinking to be drunk, i wanted to be drunk to numb the pain. All of this was going on in my head but I told no one.
I still managed to pass second year uni, somehow!! Lets just say my degree aint in rocket science!! Third year we were meant to go on placement, but it got to may and I'd applied for no jobs, my mind wasnt in the right place. But then one day, an email offering a placement in India landed in my inbox.
Suddenly I saw a way out. A way to really get away, a fresh start, away from the shit, somewhare to clenese my mind and to get back on track. That job advert woke me up. I had something to aim for again, and with this new desire I found my old trait of striving to achieve. And with this I got the job...........
India bound, after a big drama involving 3months working in London and countless other problems, but none of that mattered. The nine months I spent in India where the best nine months of my life. It was during that time I saw how messed up I was inside, and India helped me to begin to repair that. I got a spring in my step, a sparkle in my eye. I was excited about tomoro, and the day after that, life felt like it was worth living again. Sure, I had my wobbles, my bad days, bad weeks. Yeah I still blamed myself for the death of a loved one. I still couldnt imagine loving anyone else, just in case history repeated itself. But I was happy again.
After much turmoil, I decided that I would return home to finish my degree. The months I spent back in the UK from Sept 2006-July2007 were hard. I didnt want to be there, but I needed my degree. I didnt want to be there but my time in India had made me strong enough to cope. It was also possible to cope because I knew, as soon as I had my degree, India was waiting for me again.
So, I returned in July 2007. This time I did charity work, July-April2008 volunteering at an NGO that works with street kids. The most amazing 8 months. I met some astonishingly inspirational little people, and I thank them for making me find my way.
Just over a week ago I left India, and moved to Thailand, this time to work as an English teacher. This time last year the thought of me being a teacher would have made me laugh out loud, but now, I hope I'm about to find a profession that I'll love......
I could say a lot more, could of said a lot less too. I'm sure some of this stuff will come up from time to time in my blogs, which is good, cos as happy as I am now, as far away from the bad shit, as much as my life has moved in positive directions, I still have a big part of those same feelings I had at 16 locked away inside, that I cant let out. I've tried occasionally, but i just end up as a big sobbing mess, so maybe sometime, this place will become my release. Who knows.
Finally THE END!!!
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Posted by deepintought on 2008-05-11 08:46:22 | Rating: | Views: 156
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you are such an inspiration for all who have gone through rough times.
i dont even know you and im so proud of you.
i hope you get everything that makes you happy, and i hope that you release the pain that is some what holding you back.
kate xx
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Posted by kateee
on 2008-05-11 10:40:29
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Good blog - my father commited suicide - I blamed myself for a long time but I was wrong.
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Posted by bowman
on 2008-05-11 12:19:07
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wow...you are an interesting person deepintought...i will look forward to more of your blogs...welcome!
:o)
cheers!!
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Posted by badlydrawnstickman
on 2008-05-11 13:18:46
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What an interesting life you've already had. I can't wait to read more.
~Tet~
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Posted by VarahnTet
on 2008-05-11 23:10:46
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Thanks for the comments guys :)
Its kinda strange wearing your heart on your sleeve and doing so on the internet, but getting positive comments is lovely.
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Posted by deepintought
on 2008-05-11 23:59:08
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So young and yet so far ahead despite all the pitfalls...ya know its funny/strange how from a western perspective, getting a job offer in India from the UK might be no different than someone from NYC getting a job in LA. But, it seems so much bigger from here in a small time state reading about it. Especially when we get to the Thailand part which initially depressed me from reading anything further. That and being a teacher purposely using an ID with TOUGHT in it instead of thought or taught:P
Amazing how such an event fell in your lap when so many say "Things like that don't just come to our front door. We have to go out there and find or get them."
Oh, and never end with THE END. Death will determine that for your time on Earth(or wherever you may be). But, even that may not be the end.
You blow my kermudgened aging mind.
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Posted by brainstormer
on 2008-05-17 21:38:26
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