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There are just so many thoughts and emotions that are going through my head right now. I don't wanna leave tomorrow...I want to be by myself, my parents are driving me insane and I am just so bothered with the youth at church. I know that all of these things are bad but I do not want to pretend like everything is alright. I wish I could just take up my suitcase and go some place far...by myself...for a little while. The most a month, or maybe even less than that. Just be alone. Write. My friend...I don't even know wheather to refer to her as a friend or not actually. She claims she is but who knows. It bugs that she pretends as if she never said anything about me. Her hello's seem so fake to me...I try to avoid her when I see her just for the sake of not being a hypocrite. There's just so much I just want to tell her but, I don't feel like dealing with all that right now. That and she'll probably and most likely be on the defensive. The conversation will thus turn into a bickering match, which is something I am trying to avoid, especially with her.
She's helping Alex. I guess that's good. Something less for me to worry about but it bugs me that he never said anything to me about it. He came to me first and then later gave me some lame excuse of oh I'm so busy, I don't think I will be able to do it now. Yesterday I find out she's been helping him. Ok, maybe he feels more comfortable with her, that's totally understandable but, I hate it when people BS me and just lie.
I wanna disappear. Having this privilege does not seem like a privelege. I feel so alone right now. I used to be so close to everyone and partly I guess it's my fault. I''ve been so busy with school and other things, work...my time tends to be consumed by all these things that I don't really have time to just . But aside from that, it's like everyone's in their own little thing where they only know what's up and I just don't have the first clue.
I don't talk to many people. I don't have friends. I just don't really connect with anyone anymore. No one that I can really relate to and they to me. I can't do this. This is just not for me. This is for someone else that can do the job and do it well. I sound like some kinda freak.... I don't care, I am feeling just so horrible, overwhelmed, angry, sad, etc. I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU....
J'en sais pas.
Does it make sense?
Does anything ever make any sense? Am I sense? What is sense? Shouldn't writing all this help. I feel like everything is just...striving after the wind.
OH COME ON! THIS IS JUST SO RIDICULOUS. WHY ARE ALL THESE THINGS BUGGING ME? THIS IS JUST SO ABSURD. MAN...LISTENING TO COLDPLAY IS SOMEWHAT SOOTHING BUT, THIS CAN VERY EASILY JUST TURN INTO A MELANCOLI MOMENT.
I am so sorry for all this. This is my journal and I can write whatever I want. Right? But this is the whole point of someone having a journal and that is to write anything that one wants without fearing political incorectness, fear or simply needing to be cautious about what one writes. Well, I guess this is for now....c yah soon.
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Posted by dearestjenn on 2007-12-18 02:16:33 | Rating: | Views: 71
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