I am here, and you are looking at this as you read. If you actually even consider my blog as being worth your time of day or my absurd thoughts remotely fancy your cup of tea today. I wanted to just take the time in between study sessions to just relax and that is when I decided that it would be a good idea to just write things out. I can't seem to find a means of organizing myself in my head. I try to do things but I can't see m to concentrate right now, it's so hard. I think aside from all my pshychological shananigans, the lack of a good night's sleep probably has something to do with all of this. All I can say right now is that I am failure to myself. How so? because I let things get to me that I just shouldn't and then it frustrates me all the more the fact that I am letting all these ridiculous things get to me. It's this entire ripple effect that I continue to create in my head of emotions but I mean who does not have that? RIGHT??!!! We all at some point in time can't seem to find a way of even making sense of ourselves, much less everything else. He is engaged and I miss him but yesterday I did what I had to do and finally said goodbye once and for all. I don't wanna be stuck in this situation any longer. I have been for so long now. I can't even be in a healthy relationship. Why? because I haven't really tooken the time to sort it all out, you know? It would be nice but I would cause more bad than good. I MISS HIM! I miss Isaac...and I think I like James. But at the same time I think that I am confusing my feelings for James for the other two. HE KISSED ME THOUGH! Yet, when we're around everyone we know it's as if nothing even happened. I HATE THAT!!! but you see, I hate that I am letting all this get to me, and I know what you're thinking..."then WHY are YOU letting it?!!"...my answer to that is...I don't know, I think the fact thta I have been trying to deny it all and haven't really grappled with it all. I tend to just sweep it all under the carpet in hopes of forgetting about it and not needing to deal with it anymore. I know that's the wrong thing to do but it seems so much easier. SEEMING ONLY GOT ME SO FAR. Obviously. I'm not doing enough, I am so inadequate...I have fallen below that bar of excellence and into the level of a hopeless, absurd, worry wart. God is so awesome but I can't serve Him. He deserves the best of me, all of me. God, I am so sorry for just failing you. I have to trust that the promise of water is on its way to flow through this desert....