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This is my first blog and I'm a little excited about this. I've decided to post a blog because I think the people in my life need a break from hearing about my issues. I know that they love me and they want to see me happy but there just comes a time when you have to let someone deal with their problems by themselves. Brace yourself readers, it's gonna be a long ride.
Tomorrow is Easter and that will be a new beginning for me. I've spent nearly a year doting over a tall, dark, handsome guy who I thought was the one. In August of 2006, I gave birth to my daughter. Her father and I were not in a relationship, we were just bed buddies who stupidly neglected to use protection. He was another man in my life that had no respect for me and had no clue that he had a good woman. Nonetheless, I am thankful for God giving me the chance to be a mother. My daughter is a reminder of a lesson learned as far as relationships go. Take things slow and don't look for that man, let him find you. So I focused on doing me. I enrolled back into college and made my daughter the center of my attention. Then out of nowhere, I get a blast from the past. Yes, the tall drink of water that I mentioned earlier. We met about 5 years ago through a mutual friend and sparks flew when we were introduced to each other. Well, timing was wrong 5 years back but in May 2007, the opportunity presented itself again. I hadn't had sex since my daughter was conceived so by the time I saw him again, I was ready to have sex. The plan was to only use him for sex but then our fling went from splashing around in the 3ft end of a swimming pool to drowning in the 8ft end. We started developing feelings for each other and what I loved the most about him was that I could tell him ANYTHING about me and he never judged me. There is not one thing about me this man does not know and vice versa. He uplifted me and made me see what a good woman I was, and although he didn't have children, he loved my daughter as if she was his own child. We could go out dancing or stay at home playing dominoes and have the best time together. Somewhere along the way, we lost what we had. Dear readers, when relationship experts say that communication is key, you better listen! We agreed that lack of proper commincation killed us, but what I am upset about is that he isn't willing to give our relationship another chance. It's almost as if what we had was nothing to him. I remember him telling me that he has never had what we had with any other woman, so how can he just let it slip through his fingers? I'm usually not an optimistic person and don't chase after men but he had an impact on me that no man has ever had on me. I gave him space and we went through the whole returning of the belongings, all the normal stuff that goes on when a relationship is ending. We have talked on and off since then and even met once. He says he's torn. He wants me back but he doesn't want the emotional bullshit that comes along with having a relationship. We rarely argued, I thought we would always come to each other with our concerns about the relationship. It saddens me that to him the good times do not outweigh the very few bad we had. The few times we have talked throughout the last few weeks, he has mentioned that he missed hanging out with me and he thought about being intimate with me. So if that is the case why wouldn't he want to work it out with me? I have to let it burn and take this as another hard lesson learned. I played by the rules of the theory that love will find you if you don't look for it and in the end I still got hurt. I knew that if I got hurt again after having my daughter that I would never give love a chance again and I won't. This relationship took a lot out of me, I gave him the real me. I made myself transparent to this person and now I am paying for it. I am an emotional wreck, and I yearn to be in touch with myself again. I feel like a zombie. I am numb to what is going on around me. I don't ever want to feel this way again. |
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Posted by dbelle82 on 2008-03-23 01:44:53 | Rating: | Views: 53
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Give yourself some time. Even if this guy has a change of heart you should tell him that you need some time to figure things out. Being a single mother a full time duty and yeah it has some rewards but for the most part being a parent is a lot about giving a whole bunch of yourself to one other person and not expecting a whole bunch back (like you don't get a nice hug and kiss when you won't let your daughter play with that very dangerous item that she was really really interested in, but I know you get lots of little rewards as a parent but it all depends on ones perspective). Like I said, take time for you and think through things. And don't give up on love, be careful and guarded, but don't give up all together. And when it comes to life, there is no playing by the rules. Life is always a mess. Use your heart, not the rules.
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Posted by cholwuttle
on 2008-03-23 02:21:28
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