I don't know if this will help me but I thought I would give it a try. 

I wish I knew why it was difficult to get attention from my husband.
This is nothing new.   But it gets worse for me emotional as time passes.
He thinks I live in a "fairy tale."  He thinks I hear about how everyone's hubbys are so wonderful but thats not true.  He always thinks he knows why I say the things i do -- because of the girls I chat with.  He is so far from the truth and doesnt believe it.  Its very hard.  I know I'm not a beauty queen but give me a break.  Breaks my heart when I read stories of obese women who say their hubbys always told them they were beautiful - even at 300 pounds or more.  I  can't recall ever being told I was pretty or beautiful.  I think I'd remember a moment like that. 

I envy those couples who hold hands, have their arms around each other, hug or kiss in public.  Hubby thinks married people dont do that stuff.   Married or not, I think couples who are in love with one another do those types of things in public.  I dont even get any of those things in private so it is upsetting for me.

As the years have passed, I've become more emotional.  I can't say I like it much because it makes me terribly sad.  I feel left out of any happiness that I deserve.  I shouldnt have to settle and that is what he's done.  I dont think he's ever loved me.  He did what his family wanted him to do becaused I was a "good girl."  How that makes me want to throw up!   I guess back then I overlooked a lot of things....how was I to know that he'd never change.  I was young and very inexperienced.  I had only been involved with 2 guys prior to us moving into together. 

I still can't help but think about hubbys comment about me wanting a "fairy tale" life.  That is not true.  I just wanted to be treated with respect and love.  Emotionally, he's not there for me.  He could give a crap how I am.  He never asks me how I am or how I'm doing.  Heck, he never says hi or hello either.  He could turn the tables on me since I do not ask him anything.   I just know that I would not get the response that I'm looking for.   So I am as guilty as he is but I cannot treat him the way I'd like to be treated because I would feel uncomfortable and, again, would not get the response I would like.  Its frustrating. we are in a never-ending circle and I am very tired of it!

I'm pretty sure I dont love him.  Its pretty hard to love someone who is constantly calling you names and shows no emotion except anger.   He shows no interest in me except that he wants sex and I dont.  that causes all kinds of problems.  He doesnt understand that I cannot get excited when he has treated me the way he does.  Sex is all that matters to him.  He'd rather me and kids go away and come back later so he'd have peace and quiet.  I wish I could understand!  I know things are never going to change...its his way or no way. 

So I have a huge fear of storms....I dont know why, I just do and always have.  To him, I am a big sissy.  How I wish he'd stop carrying on like he does when I act "silly" (his word).  He has no "protectiveness" (if that is even the word I want/need to use) instinct in him.  Shouldnt a man want to protect his family?  He thinks that when its our time to go there is nothing we can do about it.  Ok, maybe so, but at least I want to die knowing I tried to protect myself and my children.  I have NO ONE to comfort me.   How I would LOVE a hug or to be held but noooooooooooooooooooooo.  All I get is grief for being "silly."

WHY IS IT IS SOOO HARD TO GET A HUG AND HAVE SOMEONE TELL YOU THAT THEY LOVE YOU???     I GIVE UP!