Thoughts.com Blogs - Too Late, Too Drunk

Got a late night text from Crafty that woke me up. I had told him that I was ready to stop. "Stop what?" My phone was about dead so we texted back and forth for a while, bantering, beating around the bush, until I had to go. I told him we could table the discussion or move it to a land line. He was reluctant since he had been out with a few random people doing shots. But he called.

We started talking and I could tell he had a bit of a buzz on. True, it's vegas, but it worries me how much he has said he was drunk since I've known him. My ex-husband was quite the drinker at the end of the marriage and there are few things sadder than collecting half empty forgotten whiskey glasses at 10 in the morning.

Crafty cops to his slightly buzzed state and says he needs to be careful what he says because he could say too much. Then he asks me what i want from him.

I hem and haw. And he keeps interrupting me saying, "Just tell me what you want me to be to you." What does he want? Does he want me to say I want him to be my boyfriend? That I want his letter jacket, for us to go steady and go to the junior prom together? It feels weird. I avoid it.

I do tell him that I think he and I would be amazing together and that I don't generally feel this away about the guys I meet. And I also tell him I am scared.

Because I am.

He says he is so jaded. That girls come up to him, talk to him, but he never has crushes on them, and that is how he is feeling about me. That he was hanging out with a couple of cool girls that night and he could have gone to bed with them, but he didn't. Because of me. But he doesn't know if he wants a girlfriend.

Armor up.

I get angry,. I tell him that it pisses me off--he is so bad on paper and I have all these other guys interested in me, but who do I pick? The unavailable one. Typical me. And then he starts to backpedal--I am putting words into his mouth, he never said he was unavailable.

It goes back and forth like this for a while.

In the end, we both admit how hurt we have been inthe past and how much we would like this to work. He tells me

"I just want to spend the night and wake up with you. We wouldn't even have to do anything. I just want to be there with you. And it's not because I want to wake up to see your pretty face. I just makes me happy to wake up and know you are there."

Sigh. Big terrified sigh.

We wind things down. He promises to come by on his way back from Vegas and then I hear him sleeping on the other end of the line.

I don't know how much of the conversation he will remember. So I write him an email. Hope he checks it before he comes by.

Hi Honey,

Honestly I don’t know what state of drunkenness you were at so don’t know how much you will remember about our conversation. Thanks for coming out of the closet to me! Ha!

Anyway, you passed out, I hung up. I guess that kinda leaves me with another red flag.

My head wants to take this so very slow and my heart wants to jump right in. Crafty, I’m scared as hell. I want to run so badly, you have no idea. And the fact that you seem so ambivalent at times makes me want to run even harder.

But I can make you a couple of promises.

If you say you’re in, I’m in too. And I’ll be in 100%. That is just my nature
You will always know where you stand with me. You just have to ask. I won’t lie to you and tell you things are okay if they are not. And I won’t create an out for myself because things get difficult
I will treat you with fairness and kindness and love.

Just say the word and I’ll stop running. But I can’t risk putting myself in such a vulnerable position if you are not there with me. Understand? Just please be honest with me. If you don’t think you can, then that’s okay. But I don’t want to find out in a month’s time that it is too much for you. Please respect me and my feelings and consider carefully.

I don’t know what has happened with the other girls. I can promise you that whatever we choose to create will be new and distinctive to us. I think it could be great. I hope you do to.

I had a dream last night. I was driving back from vegas, going to see Crafty, and it was raining. It would be clear and then torrents of water would totally obliviate my vision, and then it would be clear again. All I could see were the brake lights of the cars i was passing. I knew I should pull over but I was racing home. And then I woke up. So will I step into this storm? Can I help it?