Thoughts.com Blogs - Tequila--My Nemesis

It was a great night. A really great night.

Crafty and I went out to celebrate my booking a job. We had a lovely dinner, a beautiful drive up Mullholland, and then went to the local dive bar for drinks.

Like I've said before, i have an allergy to alcohol. But somehow, shots of tequila don't have the same effect on me as other drinks. So we did shots. I did 4 with a water back each time, he did 4 with a beer back. Plus an extra beer, plus the dirty martini he had at dinner. It was a hard drinking night.

But we had a good time. It reminded me alot of our first date. Just easy conversation, sidelong glances and lots of attraction.

Both of us were looking forward to this night and we had been sending dirty text messages to each other all day. I was primed for some action.

But when we got back to my house, he said he was too "fucked up". I had cautioned him earlier in the day and he blew me off saying that only whiskey affected his libido. Apparently tequila does as well.

As he laid sprawled on my bed, I turned away from him and went mute and pouty. Why? Looking back, i don't know. I guess it wasn't such a huge deal, but I was buzzed a bit and was feeling petulant about not getting my way. Childish, I know. And I seem to do this alot. I have a perfect day with a guy and then one tiny thing happens and I end up being pouty and ruining everything.

We went back and forth and back and forth about everything. His lack of self control, my quick temper, his commitment issues, my need to discuss past boyfriends. Then he said that he was unwilling to deal with anyone who freaks out and has a tantrum, that he just wanted to be with someone where it is happy and fun all the time. Is he living in a dream world? Where does one meet this magical person?

In short, it was frustrating and ugly. i got to a point where I calmly decided that he wasn't for me and told him that if he truly felt the way he did that he should sleep in his own bed. So he started to get dressed.

And although my head was clear about my decision, my heart was not. And I stopped him. Not only did I stop him, but then I told him that I was in love with him. Oh. My. God. I'm an idiot.

I mean it's true. I do love him. But could have that come at a worse time, 4 AM with a tequila buzz and in the middle of a fight? The exact seuquence of events is all jumbled in my brain now, but I do know that we started talking more civilly. And then he kissed me. And then we moved on to more than kissing. He was still unable to finish, but he did take care of me. Three times. Good boy!

Before we went to sleep, he said to me, "You know I care about you very much, right?" I said yes, but really I feel like that's a cop out. He cares about me? Okay. Very much? Great. But I also heard him earlier in the night when he told me that he wasn't sure if he could be with someone so emotional. Doesn't this just spell doom for us in the end?

What really pisses me off is that he tells me that he dealt with this with all his other girlfriends, that they were all about drama and so therefore he will not tolerate an ounce of it anymore. I don't think that I am a drama queen all the time. I mean damn, i think i put up with alot of bullshit from his end. It sounds like I want to be with Crafty from 5 years ago. But the Crafty now might just be too jaded and bitter for me.

We woke up and cuddled and had more sex. And then he came over this afternoon for more cuddling, more sex. We have a really great time together. But I don't know what my capacity is to be with someone who only wants the good parts of me. I want some who doesn't just "care for me". I want some one who loves me completely, totally, wildly, all of me. Both the good and the bad. I don't know if Crafty can and I will have to prepare myself if that is the case. It makes me sad and disappointed. If only I could have known him five years ago. That's the man I want to be with.