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In honor of the impending Valentine's holiday, may I offer you men some tips for seducing a woman.
1. Sheets--Make them nice. 300 thread count or higher. You spend a third of your life in bed, so make the investment. White is classic, as are most solid colors. Avoid huge block color patterns, as it just looks like the big top pulled up to town. And please, for the love of god, NEVER black. Why do guys think black is a good choice? It doesn't hide dirt or stains. On the contrary, cum stains are highlighted on black sheets, leaving an archaeological map of those who came (heh heh) before us. Burn your black sheets.
2. Your Thumb Is Strong- When massaging a woman's clit, please keep this in mind. As humans, we are blessed with strong opposable thumbs for grasping objects, making tools, etc. They are NOT for jamming into a woman's privates like you are trying to light up a stuck elevator button. Holy crap, Caress it, never press it. It's not bubble wrap!
3. Dirty Talk--Take your cues from her. If she moans softly, then keep it non verbal. If she says "pussy" then you say pussy. But don't say "You like that, Bitch?" if she doesn't go there first. It's uncomfortable when one partner is talking Hallmark Channel and the other one is on Cinemax After Dark.
4. Questions to Avoid in Bed--
"Did you cum?" the answer is no if you have to ask.
"How many guys have you been with?" You never really want to know
"I'm gonna cum, are you ready?" Come on guys. I don't care how powerful it feels for you. It's not as if you are going to blow our heads off if we don't brace ourselves. Did you make us cum first? Then yes, we are ready
5. More Is Not Always Better-- you're not trying to stuff a turkey, man. Two fingers, MAX!
6. It's Not a Race--Kiss and nuzzle at least three erogenous zones before heading to the main course. Spend some time, make her feel that her body is a marvel and that you want to explore every inch of it.
7. I'm Not Your Mama-- so don't lay your head on my chest when you are done. My head goes on YOUR shoulder. Otherwise, it's creepy and emasculating.
And lastly, kiss her on the mouth, look into her eyes, tell her she's beautiful, that you're lucky to be with her and mean it.
Happy humping. |
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Posted by datingretard on 2008-02-14 03:55:20 | Rating: | Views: 511
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I suggest "dry" humping. Intercourse will be better the next time, if it is skipped sometimes. Not a great idea for Valentines' Day but for later, though.
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Posted by QuickHitGondolin
on 2008-02-14 04:47:42
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This has me laughing so hard! So right on, SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO right on!
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Posted by Whitters
on 2008-02-14 09:14:22
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Amen Sister Suffragette!
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Posted by QuixoticGirl
on 2008-02-14 12:00:51
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Bow chicka wha wha!
::In Kerri's best Marvin Gay voice::
...let's get it ooonnn...
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Posted by LadiLucifer
on 2008-02-14 13:32:00
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ohhhh lets get it on.
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Posted by LadiLucifer
on 2008-02-14 13:32:17
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yes! this is entirely true! hahaha i'm still laughing!
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Posted by thurst930
on 2008-02-14 14:09:22
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JUST A FEW QUESTIONS:
1. WHAT'S A CLIT ??
2. WHAT'S A PUSSY ??
3. WHAT IS CUM ??
SORRY... YOU LOST ME SOMEWHERE.... TOO
MANY "TECHNICAL-TERMS" I THINK.
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Posted by MisterKnowItAll
on 2008-02-14 16:46:20
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Good advice.
I once made the mistake of saying to my wife, "You never tell me when you cum."
She replied, "You're never home."
Old joke ...
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Posted by pgm
on 2008-02-14 17:11:36
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I love your, "Caress it, never press it. It's not bubble wrap!" Sooo funny, and oh so true! haha
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Posted by nakedtruth
on 2008-02-15 01:19:50
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this post had me laughing so hard great tips! spot on mate!
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Posted by zypvashna
on 2008-02-16 03:14:51
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love it!
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Posted by iceycold
on 2008-02-17 00:56:20
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This has been my FAVORITE blog of all since I began reading! Great stuff! Loved it and that you posted it. Men, take notes, it's no laughing matter! This woman knows what she's talking about. XXX
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Posted by Ellie2008
on 2008-02-17 12:07:31
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